My Life Lately (Part 2): My Son Has Depression Too

By Nancy David Galang, M.A.

My son and youngest among the G Skwad:
Rockwell Clark

             

Holy Week was a much needed break for everyone, especially singleD parents who juggle their work, attending to their households and to their kids. Kaya sana lahat tayo nakahinga at nakapag-pahinga from all our daily routines and "struggles".

So mga Nan-sis, (nanay sisters) HOW ARE YOU? As for me, I have shared with you that my life lately has been full of challenges. 

Isa sa mga challenges na hindi nawawala sa mga magulang are those that concern our children. I know that most of you will agree that it is painful, stressful, and worrisome for a mother to see that her child is suffering. As I write this, my bunso is lying down beside me on the couch and does not have the will to get up and do anything, and has constant thoughts of dying. Yes, I have one more kid suffering from Major Depressive Disorder. 

To see your child suffer from deep sadness 
and extreme anxiety, and not be able to do
anything to take it away is both frustrating and sad.

Read: https://nancydavidgalang.blogspot.com/2020/10/nadjas-story-dealing-with-your-childs.html?m=1

When I found out that one of my daughters had depression, I felt so scared because it seemed that we were embarking on a difficult battle - and it was 2018, just barely a year after their dad left.  (Read:  https://nancydavidgalang.blogspot.com/2023/04/my-lately-part-1-nancy-david-galang.html)

In my last blog, I shared with you that we just got out of her worst battle with her depression. Within two months, she was hospitalized three times - and the total number of doctors who checked her was 8 (those in the ERs not included). Yes, eight! Kumusta naman ako sa gastusin sa mga panahong wala akong trabaho at na-oospital ang anak ko? Well, magpapatotoo na naman ako, that God really provides. Naitawid ang lahat ng gastusin. The more important thing pa din is that on the way to full recovery ang anak ko - in fact, on her way out today, I told her, "Be happy"...at nagulat ako (at laking tuwa) nang sumagot siya at sinabing, "I am."  Thank YOU Lord! Naiiyak ako na palagi mong sinasagot ang dasal ko. Kahit na ang madalas na nakikita ko sa harap ko lately -seems very discouraging. 

Kaso nga - as I describe it - "turn by turn lang"; kapag naging okay na ang isang anak ko, mayroon na namang isang hindi OK. Tuloy, this always runs in my mind, "Ano na naman kaya ang mangyayari next week?".  In fact, before the series of hospitalization, one of them also had to go through (is still going through) the aftermath of a break-up, and now, heto nga, my son has not been okay. 

Rocky: "Pagod na ako maging depressed." And so I
tell him he has a condition and he needs to fight it. 
"Choose to live today, one day at a time."

Ano ba ang "hindi ok" when you are going through depression? I asked his permission to share his recent post on Instagram: 

Let me share my own experiences as well in dealing with my son's depression. The very first thing that I have to do in the morning is to make sure na mapapabangon ko siya - that he will get out of his bed. More often than not, kailangan ko magpabalik-balik ng tatlong beses, bago ko siya mapabangon. Minsan, para mapilitan siyang bumangon, dadalhan ko siya ng pagkain sa room niya. Hindi ako aalis hangga't di ko nakikita na kumain siya. There are days I ask him, anong gusto mo kainin, para sumaya ka? Of course, the usual answer is, "Ewan ko."

Breakfast in bed usually works. But when it
doesn't, he will eat and just be asleep the
whole day. 

Dealing with your kid who has depression means
being with him "literally" during the day just to get
him through it.

There are worse days na inaabutan na kami ng gabi, at hindi pa rin siya babangon. Kung mapabangon ko man siya, I will have to provide answers to his first question for the day: "Ano gagawin ko mommy?". Susunod, "Paano ba mabuhay?". Then these are followed with his declarations of wanting to just die. "Mas-madali mamatay kesa mabuhay." "Gusto ko na lang mamatay." "Pagod na ako maging depressed."

On less challenging days, he wakes
up on his own, does his usual rouitne,
but by the end of the day still ends up "sad"
not knowing the reason why.

So my life lately? Ok pa ba ako? HINDI. But I know that it is OK not to be OK. Ang importante, lumalaban tayo kahit hindi tayo OK. At 'yan ang lagi kong sinasabi sa kanya. 

Paano ba maging nanay sa isang depressed na anak? Hindi madali para sa isang ina (lalo na sa singleD mom) na mag-isa na nga, ay maririnig pa sa bibig ng anak niya na gusto na niyang mamatay. Hindi madali tanggapin na after all your hardwork, ganito pa din ang nararamdaman ng anak mo, that even if you try your darnest best to provide and make them happy, they just will not be - because of their condition.

Dates with your children help them process their
thoughts and feelings because you are there to
"just listen".

And it can get really frustrating because no matter what you say, you cannot make them feel better. Why? Because when you are in this condition - everything seems wrong, ang dami mong nakikitang mali sa sarili mo at sa paligid mo. Nothing seems to work out, and therefore, hindi mo ma-appreciate ang lahat ng tama sa buhay mo, so - there is no reason to live. As he and my daughter have described it, "it is like you are in a dark place, and hindi ka makaalis maski na gusto mo. Gusto mo gumaling, pero parang cycle lang, at nakakapagod, kaya it is easier to give up."

"Being depressed is like being in a dark place 
from where you cannot leave even if you wanted to."
And so never ignore the signs and symptoms, and never 
reject your child's cry for help.

Madali sabihin ng isang magulang na (probably) hindi naiintindihan kung ano talaga ang depression - na "count your blessings", "other people have worse problems", "you are beautiful", "you are so talented, in fact ang iba, hindi kasing talented mo", "magdasal ka" - to their child. Pero sa totoo lang, none of these help them when they are in that state.

Mahirap for both of us  --- kasi kahit anong sabihin ko, parang pumapasok lang sa isang tenga, then labas sa kabila. Hindi nagsi-sink in. Kaya kahit anong words of wisdom ang sabihin ko, walang epek. Gustuhin man nila pakinggan at gumaling, kadalasan, hindi nila kaya mag-isa. Nalulungkot ako, kasi kadalasan, hindi ko na alam ang sasabihin ko to encourage them to live. Or kahit yung simpleng I make them feel better, at least for the day.

Minsan, I get so hurt at naaawa talaga ako sa sarili ko, kasi nasusungitan ako for no reason. I am like walking on egg shells na baka may masabi ako at ma-trigger sila. Kadalasan, I long for their caring and sweetness. I miss them na "normal". But like what my son said, "Kung sarili ko nga 'di ko kaya tulungan...".

Boys are usually sweet to their moms. Rocky has 
always been. But when he spirals down, that is
one thing I keep on missing. 

Sobrang nakakapagod to deal with this alone. I am emotionally and phyisically drained. Bukod sa mahirap, tataamaan ka pa nang matinding lungkot na mag-isa ka lang at wala kang masabihan "Pagod na 'ko, I need a break. Ikaw muna duty ngayon."

Honestly speaking - sometimes I feel like hindi ko na kaya harapin, or if I had a choice, hindi ko na haharapin. But a close friend recently told me, "Alam mo naman na wala kang choice kundi maging strong, di ba?".  And I know that hindi naman ako nag-iisa na pinipili ang maging strong each and every single day. I am sure as you are reading this, nakaka-relate kayo. 

So if you have a kid or a loved one who is going through the same condition, here are a few suggestions I would like to share to help you deal with it:

Accept your situation and your child's condition.

It is important for both you and your kid to accept his condition and accept that he needs to seek help. But it is more important for you as a parent to do so, because the moment he recognizes his condition, you will be his rock and draw support from you (as in suck you of your energy mentally, emotionally, and physically!). Acceptance that you play a major role in his recovery is very, very important. I am still at this stage because I feel that sometimes I resent having to deal with their depression while I also have to focus on a LOT of other things like providing financially. But of course, I have to be there for them.

Accept that your child is not be the way he was (at least for the period that he is being treated) 

There will be changes in their character like masungit sila, maiksi ang patience, easily agitated, easily triggered, easily overwhelmed, always anxious and sad. Hindi na sila yung masasandalan mo whenever you feel weak and need to draw strength from them. Hindi nga kasi sila OK at hindi sila normal. So you will miss that old version of them that was lovable, caring, and sweet. And you just have to hold on, believing that one day, that old self will surface.

Rocky models professionally. But due to his
condition, there are times he fails to appreciate
his achievements and blessings. 

Knowing what to say when he is having his episode. 

I have learned that the more simplistic you are, the better. I do not tell him heavy and major things, because right at that moment, he can't handle it. I just say: "All you have to think about is survive this day. Bangon ka, mag-shower, eat. Wala ka nang iisiping iba, just choose to live today. Then isipin mo na lang after,  if may gusto ka gawin for the day." So dealing with someone na may depression? Kapag napabangon mo siya sa kama niya? That is success! At least for that day.

Stay with him and take him through his daily activities. 

Madalas he will ask me: "Paano ba mabuhay?". And so I make him feel and tell him, I am here. We are all here. I tell him labanan lang niya kung ano ang negative na nararamdaman niya at kasama niya ako. If that has to be literally by his side for him to clean his room, or clean it for him, then that's it. If I have to stay beside him the whole time that he is doing his assignments (minsan ako na gumagawa kasi talagang walang motivation) then so be it. If it means me not being able to do my own errands, my own activities, putting off chores, cancelling my meet-up with friends (that I try to do so I can also keep my sanity), then that's it. Wala din naman akong peace of mind kung lalabas ako at hindi siya OK. Therefore, hindi din ako mag-e-enjoy.

Encourage them to do physical activities.

Exercise in whatever form is very good in fighting depression. Alam na natin yan na iba't-ibang klaseng happy hormones ang nare-release kapag pinapawisan. In the case of my daughter, it's dancing and workout. In the case of my son, it's running and lifting weights.

Rocky has always been fond of horses, even
as a toddler. He told me recently that he
gets a certain "high" being around horses.
If your kid has depression, you MUST
encourage him to cultivate his hobbies. 

Seek professional help.

Right now, we are encountering emotional and mental ups and downs because he is at the stage of finding out and trying which medicine would be effective for him. Pero never give up until mahanap ninyo ang hiyang na gamot para sa kanya. Talk therapy also helps a lot. Having MDD is just like having any other disease, kailangan gamutin. Kailangan ng treatment.

Keep your own sanity.

As a parent or as someone who supports someone with depression, it is important to take care of yourself, (lalo na sa mga singleD parents) kasi no one else would. As someone who was used to drawing emotional support from my kids, para akong napilayan din, kasi I cannot get as much support that I need from them like I used to - from assistance with chores and being able to talk to them about my own problems.

Pray hard for yourself and your children.

Taking care of someone with depression entails a lot of your time, patience, understanding, and self-sacrifice. In the course of the five years that I have dealt with someone with depression, I have learned that it means kakalimutan mo ang sarili mo. Kalimutan mo ang sarili mong feelings. Kalimutan mo na iintindihin ka din nila kapag pagod ka na. Kalimutan mo na sila yung usual normal na anak mo na madali kausap. Kalimutan mo na they would be sensitive to how you feel.

NAPAKAHIRAP! Talagang all caps!!! Kaya't prayers and holding on to God has been my weapon in this war I am facing. Literal na KAPIT LANG kundi matagal na akong nalaglag. So I pray for grace to have extra-patience, strength like a superwoman, financial resources to afford all the treatment --- all that I need to survive and overcome! 

And then I always remember that God is close to the broken-hearted, that God is a defender of widows. "A Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. He will cover you with His feathers. Under His wings you will find refuge." (Psalm 68:5-6)

So mga Nan-sis, hindi kayo nag-iisa. Find peace knowing that God will not forsake us and our children. All He asks? Kapit and keep the faith!

Catch you later!

Nancy Mommy