My Life Lately (Part 1)
by Nancy David Galang, M.A.
"The unexamined life is not worth living." -Socrates
Hello mga Nan-sis!!! It's been a long time!
It's Holy Week. And it's the perfect time to reflect on our lives - what we have been doing, what we need to change, where we want to go from here.
For the past 28 years, I have always tried my best to fulfill my number one role - which is being a mom. And for the past six years, as a singleD mom. Yet I feel that as human as I am, I have many shortcomings. I have made wrong decisions na kung bibigyan ako ng second chance, ay itatama ko. So here are some of my reflections in my life, lately:
2022: Quitting Work and the Value of Health
Last quarter of 2022, I quit my job without any fallback. I thought I finally got my dream job at my not so young age, but I found myself unhappy, exhausted, and mentally & emotionally drained. And one day, I felt massive headache, "paninikip ng dibdib", and my blood pressure shooting up. It was then that I realized, I had to quit. (I was rushed twice to the emergency room in the course of my one year employment in this company and had covid around four times)
Reflecting on what happened, I realized that we should give high importance to our health and that money --- is not everything. I held on to that job for a year (while 6 months pa lang I was already having problems and wanted so bad to quit) because it gave me and my kids more than what we needed - more than what I asked for from the Lord. But I guess I missed praying about having a work-life balance. After all - work is just work. And if it robs you of your peace and happiness - and the restful sleep that we all need - then it is not worth it. At kung babalikan ko, I will take it easy and not too seriously, bearing in mind na may buhay pa ako, pagkatapos at maliban sa trabaho ko.
Pero dahil tao lang, what was my life like after? The succeeding months gave me days when I felt like regretting my decision. Mainly because it put me and my family in a very insecure position. I am a singleD mom and I have no job???!!! Hindi madali itawid ang pang-araw-araw at hindi din ako makatulog sa kakaisip paano kami habang wala akong trabaho.
But where do I go from here? I do not want to dwell on what I lost (siguro what that company lost na lang hehe), but what I gained and what I learned when I resigned.
The Value of Time with Family
Time is really so precious! Time with my children, time with Amara, my mom and my friends. And yes, time for myself.
I found out, as soon as I quit that one of my children was going through a lot with her depression (she was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder way back 2018.
Read:https://nancydavidgalang.blogspot.com/2020/10/nadjas-story-dealing-with-your-childs.html). She felt that with her maintenance meds then, ay hindi pa din siya gumagaling. And, while I was with that last company I worked for, hindi daw niya ako makausap. Not that she felt she could not, but I guess she spared me as much as possible dahil alam niya na pagod na pagod ako palagi. And marami pa akong challenges sa work.
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| As a parent, and being a singleD mom at that, it is very hard to balance the responsibility of earning money for the family, and being there for your children emotionally as well. |
Hindi ko na lang maikwento sa inyo mga Nan-sis ang detalye (as it will be as long as another blog), but I found my daughter in her worst state. And I was clueless. "Anong klaseng ina ako?", I thought to myself. Akala ko okay na ang kumayod nang kumayod because since I got separated, 'yun lang ang naging number one goal ko sa buhay ko. Nakalimutan ko na malaki din ang role ko in supporting my children in their battle with depression. Akala ko, dahil hindi siya nagsasalita ay ok na ok siya.
Since my resignation last November 2022, she was hospitalized three times. My life lately? I am monitoring her constantly (24/7 araw-araw) kung okay siya.
Ano ba yung OK siya? That she will have the motivation to live her day (one day at a time) and do her school activities and other obligations. Yung wala siyang anxiety, to the point na hindi na siya makahinga. Yung makakakain siya na hindi siya sumusuka. Yung pagdating sa gabi, makakatulog siya nang mahimbing at hindi nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano.
So since my resignation, I have been taking advantage of spending time with the G Skwad (Galang Squad). I was able to do dates with each of them and did heart to heart talks with them.
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| Fun date with my youngest: listening to your children is very important. You'd be surprised with what's on their minds and what you can learn. |
And Amara? I never thought that after my more than 20 years of teaching in college, teaching her the alphabet, numbers, shapes, animals and all those words she suddenly uttered - would give me more fulfillment! She is a great student and all this time, kailangan lang pala tutukan. We were starting to worry why she was not talking yet at almost two years. She turned two last November, and my resignation took effect on the same month. How she socially bloomed so fast was truly an achievment for me! (I am not taking all the credit here. Her mom also teaches her, ako lang ang nag-reinforce).
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| My best and most favorite student of all time, my one and only apo. |
2021: Death Changes Everything
It was my first day at this job when we got the news about my ex-husband's passing. It was September 29, 2021. Hindi ko na alam exactly how I felt, basta ang naalala ko lang was natulala lang ako.
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| With my ex-husband during happier days |
Read: https://nancydavidgalang.blogspot.com/2022/01/when-he-finally-came-home-by-nancy-d.html
I was so angry for so long. 5 years kaming hindi nag-usap at hindi nagkita. But his death really changed everything. Hindi man nagunaw ang mundo ko this time (kasi naramdaman ko na ito noong nagkahiwalay kami way back 2017) pero natunaw ang matigas kong puso. All of a sudden, puro flashbacks ng good moments. All of a sudden, tapos na ang laban. Kailangan nang magpatawad.
Grieving
Paano ba magluksa? Tapos na ang isang taon, therefore babang luksa na. Ang biro ng mga kaibigan ko, puwede na daw mag-date. For the record, matagal na kaming hiwalay, so matagal na puwedeng mag-date. Baka naman...
Pero tapos na nga ba ako mag-grieve? Hindi ko alam. Kasi noong araw na namatay siya, I was starting on a new job at subsob lang ako sa work and I did this deliberately because I wanted to do well sa trabaho, while I also felt it was a good distraction from our loss. Kung minsan, hindi pa talaga nagsi-sink in. Madali din nawala ang pagka-miss sa good times namin, kasi na-realize ko, parang tapos ko na i-grieve ang marriage namin noong nagkahiwalay kami. In fact, ang sinabi ko nga sa sarili ko noon "Patay na siya, mag-isa ka na lang". At 'yun ang nakatulong akin nang malaki para maka-move on. Kasi from then on, ang mindset ko was talagang wala na akong aasahan.
Read:https://nancydavidgalang.blogspot.com/2020/04/becomingsingled-6-2020-nancy-d.html
Ang kaibahan lang, there is this thought that I will never see him again. My kids will never have time with him. I wanted them to have that. I was entertaining the thought of reconciliation as friends for a while, so he can rebuild his relationship with the G Skwad - until, he was suddenly gone! I guess that this is what I am grieving for. The loss of time and what could have been.
Lessons Learned
What did I learn from leaving my job?
First, to be accountable with my choices - deal with the consequences of my decisions. Mahirap ang walang trabaho, pero mas-mahirap ang mamatay dahil sa trabaho. Kaya eto, 6 months na po akong walang work. I wanted to rest for a few months, pero sunod-sunod ang family challenges (more in Part 2). Pero walang choice but to look for a new love -este, work nga pala!
Second, make the most of my time while out of work. Spend it with loved ones. Be present with them and ask them how they really are. Listen intently.
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| Spending time with mom: she is 87, not as strong as she would want to be, always saying that she is "overstaying" and longs to be with dad. Kaya tayong bata-bata pa, let us seize our moments and be happy. |
Third, regain my strength - not just physically, emotionally, mentally, but also spritually. Honestly, I got traumatized with my last work, so I have to focus on my recovery. Now I have more time to do my journal and have quiet time to pray and meditate. My goal now? Magpalakas muna.
Lastly, huwag mawawalan ng pag-asa. Darating din ang tamang trabaho sa tamang oras. Like what a good friend told me - "you will be at the right place, at the right time". This waiting time is a testing season indeed. But I would rather wait joyfully than anxiously. Hang on lang tayo mga Nan-sis!!! Soon, we will be in a better place if you are in the same boat as I am.
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| Visiting my ex-husband: Life is short so forgive while you can, as much as you can. |
On the death of a loved one, I would like to share with you mga Nan-sis, that death indeed, changes everything. My ex-husband's passing has taught me about forgiveness. That we should forgive as soon as we can, as much as we can - before it is too late. Iniisip ko, sana kung inayos na lang namin bilang mga magulang ng mga anak namin, baka mas-masaya ang mga anak ko ngayon? Baka mas-magaang ang dala-dala nila. Kung mayroon akong regrets, it is that I held on to my anger and pride for so long. Kung mayroon akong babaguhin, it is that I should have been more pro-active in bringing him and my children back together.
Where do I go from here?
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| Dahil maiksi ang buhay, I would like to just do things that make me happy. Ayoko ng toxic, ayoko ng stress! I will choose peace and happiness each day. |
I would really love to be at my new place of work soon and meet my new colleagues (Lord baka naman!) This time, I vow to maintain a work-life balance. Of course, the same hardwork and dedication will be given ... except that I will just have to tell myself when it's time to rest and stop working.
I would really love to see my children recover from their mental and emotional health issues. Believe me, this is the hardest challenge I have faced so far in my whole life. Alam n'yo 'yan mga Nan-sis, na kapag may sakit ang mga anak natin, and we feel helpless about what to do, we wish na tayo na lang ang may sakit. There are times that I want to give up. What keeps me from doing so, is knowing that ako na lang ang masasandalan nila, and I cannot NOT be strong - at least in front of them.
I would love to see Amara grow up to be an empowered woman and reach her best potential as a person. Excited ako na makita siya in Child Study Center uniform (Miriam Pre-school)!!!
I would love to fall in love again one day. And be with a person who will embrace me and my life - what I have become (flaws and all) and what I want to be. Pero --- kung destined ako na mag-isa, eh di sige, sino ba naman ako para magreklamo, eh takot naman ako sa mga dating-dating apps na 'yan!!! Maybe in the next lifetime, babawi si Lord!
So my life lately? Parang nasa show ako na "Survivor", hindi mo alam ano ang next challenge na darating - but still thankful that I am still here and given the opportunity to run the race. Nilalakasan at tinitibayan ko ang loob ko araw-araw and I focus on my many blessings. I also know that I have a lot to look forward to in life. It's really "weather-weather" lang. Sabi nga nila, "when it rains, it's four"! But - this too shall pass, right?
Catch you soon!
Nancy
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