SingleD and QuarantineD

SingleD and QuarantineD

By Nancy D. Galang

What do being SingleD and being QuarantineD have in common?

Uncertainty.

This health crisis brought about by Covid 19 has kept all of us stuck in our homes for most of our days.  Kung hindi tayo frontliners, hindi tayo puwede lumabas except kung bibili tayo ng basic essentials natin.

Hindi natin alam ga’no ito katagal.  Recently, kaka-extend lang ng another 15 days ang ECQ or Enhanced Community Quarantine.  Meron pa kayang susunod na extension? No one knows for sure. Lahat tayo ay nakararamdam ng takot, lungkot, kaba, 'yung feeling of UNCERTAINTY.

When my husband decided not to come home, matinding lungkot at takot ang naramdaman ko. Biglang huminto lahat sa paligid ko.

I felt like I was in a movie, at nag-freeze frame ang shot. Wala akong marinig kundi isang boses saying: “Ito na yun. Maghihiwalay na talaga kayo."

What will happen 'pag iniwan n'ya kami ng mga bata? Everything was hazy. Di ko alam ano'ng susunod na mangyayari.

UNCERTAIN.

Hindi ko alam ano ang next step ko.  Ang una kong reaction: itago sa mga anak ko ang lahat ng nangyayari.

Just like any mother, if I could spare them the pain, I would. Baka sakaling maayos pa, I told myself.

Dumating ang Pasko. Like the past years, we attended the family reunion. Pero hindi na kami nag-uusap. Kung mag-usap man, puro masasakit na salita lang.  Pero kailangan kong ipakita sa mga anak ko na everything was normal. 

TRYING to ACT normal on Christmas Eve of 2016. 

Three months pa ang nakalipas bago nila nalaman. Ilang buwan na pagtatago ng gabi-gabing pag-iyak sa kuwarto ko at sa CR. Ang hirap!

I had to act normal even if my world was falling apart. Worse, even if I knew MY kids’ future was uncertain.  Para sa isang ina, nakakatakot 'yun. Sobra.

And trying to ACT NORMAL was another thing.

Tatlong mundo lang naman ang ginagalawan ko: bahay, office, at classroom. 

Act normal. Be a MOM – strong, cool, problem-solver, always there to listen.

Act normal sa office. Be PROFESSIONAL. Kahit walang tulog. 'Yung tipong inabutan ka na ng sikat ng araw sa kakapilit sa sarili mo na makatulog. Nakapikit ka pero ang utak mo gising, ang puso mo masakit. Tapos kailangan mo nang gumising ng 7am para makapasok.

Kailangan pa din gawin lahat ng trabaho mo. Bawal magpahalata sa officemates na habang nasa desk mo, umiiyak ka. 'Yung masakit na lalaluman at dibdib mo sa kakapigil para di ka humagulgol sa harapan nila.

Act normal sa classroom tuwing Sabado. Be a TEACHER. Concentrate on your lecture. Once a week lang kayo magkita ng students mo eh. Kahit pagkatapos mo sabihin ang  "See you next week," na ang totoo, di mo alam kung makakabalik ka pa. Hindi ka sure kung kaya mo pa bumalik sa Sabado.

ACTING NORMAL in one of my Saturday classes. 

UNCERTAIN.

And just like now na madami tayong katanungan sa nangyayari sa atin, madami rin akong tanong noon: Kaya ko bang wala siya? Kaya ko ba mag-isa? Kaya ko ba akayin at buhayin ang mga anak ko? Ano mangyayari pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito?

Gusto ko lumaban eh. Gusto ko pa sana ilaban.

Pero iba na nang marinig ko na hindi na n'ya ako mahal. It killed me.  Nadurog ang puso ko. Para ngang pati buong pagkatao ko, nadurog.

Hindi ko kagustuhan, pero wala akong nagawa.

Just like this quarantine, kahit hindi natin kagustuhan ang mga nangyayari sa paligid natin, kahit ayaw natin manatili lang sa bahay natin, kahit ilang beses pa itong ma-extend --- wala tayong magagawa kundi tanggapin. 

Panandalian munang nakahinto ang mundo natin at lahat nang nakasanayang gawin araw-araw. Freeze. Accept what is in front of you. Basta ang alam mo lang, gagawin mo ang lahat para mag- survive. Cooperate para sa ikabubuti ng lahat.

Matindi ang tampo ko noon kay Lord. Bakit ako? Mabait naman ako. Masipag. I tried to be the best wife. I supported his dreams and goals. I believe I was and I am still a good mother. But at the end of the day, sa Kanya pa rin ako bumabalik. S'ya lang naman ang available 24/7 para makinig.

I just kept on repeating, “Lord, I don’t know what to do. Please tell me and I will obey."

And so in the midst of the biggest, hardest, and greatest trial in my life  – I decided to just cooperate.

I asked again: Why am I here in this situation? Why is this happening? Ano nga ba ang purpose ko sa buhay? 

Hanggang ngayon wala pa akong kasagutan sa first two questions. Pero sa pangatlo meron. Ang sagot: To be a mother to four beautiful and loving children. They NEED me and they DEPEND on me. That’s why I needed to go on even if I feared the uncertainty of our future.

Naisip ko, gawin ko lang 'yung dapat gawin bilang isang mabuting nanay, everything will be alright. Maybe my being cooperative and obedient to God might bring some sort of clarity and some form of certainty later.

Our NEW NORMAL. Christmas 2019.

Singled and Quarantined. Nothing is CERTAIN.

Sa single moms, we are usually left with no choice kapag tayo ang iniwan at hindi tayo handa maging mag-isa.  Kahit parang sasabog ang dibdib mo, we have to accept and face it head on. We just need to move on and learn to depend on ourselves.  Wala ka nang katuwang sa maski anong bagay.

Sorry, but that is the harsh and painful truth.  Ikaw na lang, Nancy. 

At sa ating lahat na quarantined, ganun din, di ba? Though we can’t see what’s going to happen next,  kailangan nating sumunod sa agos, tanggapin ang nangyayari, at maging matatag.

SingleD and QuarantineD with these four cuties.
From L to R: Nicolette, Nadja, Me, Rocky and Nastassia

And most importantly, we need to have FAITH that God's plan is always bigger and better than ours. Hindi  man natin makita sa ngayon, balang araw magiging klaro din.

So hang in there! This too shall pass. Always remember that after every crisis, we bring with us valuable realizations and we emerge as better individuals.

In God's perfect time, everything will be alright.

Until our next SingleD and QuarantineD week.

Catch you later!!! 
Nancy Mommy