SingleD and My New Normal

SingleD and My New Normal

by Nancy D. Galang, M.A.

May 2, 2020

"And this is the part when you must decide to become a warrior." - Karen Salmansohn

A reader, Regina M.P. of Quezon City, wrote to me and requested that I give more tips on how to cope with being SingleD. 

Good idea, I thought. 

So, extended ang Enhanced Community Quarntine sa NCR and other cities until May 15, and the rest of the country are still in General Community Quarantine. We hope the situation improves so our quarantine will be modified, if not totally lifted.

And when this happens, we will have to adjust to our "new normal," move on, and cope with how the COVID-19 crisis changed our lifestyles.

When I became SingleD, I also faced a "new normal." My life changed.

Looking back, ano nga ba ang  ginawa ko to cope with it?

First,  I cried. And cried. And cried. Buckets. Sa tagalog, timba-timba. 'Yung nakaka-dehydrate na klase.

I allowed myself to grieve like someone died. After all, having someone walk out on you, whether it be a husband, a wife, a boyfriend or a girlfriend, is like having that loved one die. (Kasi alam mong hindi na kayo ulit magkikita. Kung sakali man, matagal-tagal pa.)

Yes, hindi ko pinigilan ang sarili ko na umiyak tuwing may pagkakataon ako. Usually sa gabi kapag tulog na lahat at mag-isa na lang ako sa kuwarto. Gaya rin ng mga nabanggit ko sa previous blogs ko, kasama dun ang pag-iyak sa shower.

Pangalawa, habang umiiyak ako nang madaling araw, that's when I talked to God and asked Him all my WHYs and HOWs. Ang sabi nga, di naman masama magtanong, 'wag lang mawawalan ng tiwala. Tiwala na anuman ang sagot N'ya, para sa ikabubuti ko.

Pangatlo, naghanap ako ng kausap. Mostly through the phone lang kasi araw-araw naman akong may work pati Sabado. Most of these friends, nagtiyagang kausapin ako hanggang madaling araw.

Grace is a good friend since college who
patiently listened and gave me good advice. 

I was glad madami akong friends na matatalino and I really got good advice. Pero hindi ba kapag may problema ka, it's not always that you want advice. 'Yung may makinig lang kahit nonsense na pinagsasabi mo, okay na. 'Yung iiyak ka lang kahit para ka nang tanga tapos quiet lang 'yung kausap mo at hinihintay ka lang matapos. 

Of course, dahil close naman ako sa family ko, I also sought support from my family. My dad, mom, especially my sisters - Noemi, Neri and Ning. Sila ang G sisters ko! (Galang sisters)  

An out-of -town trip with my G sisters.
From L to R: Neri, Ning, me & Noemi.

Nag-counselling din ako. Una sa CEFAM sa Ateneo. Gusto ko ang style nila na makikinig lang sila and after you talk, they will give you advice and ask you what you think about it.

Pero mas effective ang counselling sessions ko sa phone sa isang kaibigan kong doktor, si Doc Bien.  I still remember his exact words, pero sa amin na lang 'yun. Ang gist is inisa-isa n'ya ang reasons kung bakit di ako dapat manghinayang.

He told me, "After hearing your story, I think you made the right decision. You are doing great, just keep it up." 

With good friend and confidant,
Doc Bien

Fourth,  nung ready na 'ko, I went out para 'wag ako malungkot sa bahay. This was around July 2017 and seven months into the separation. I ate out, watched movies, had lots of heart-to-heart talks over cups of coffee with my friends. Noon ko nalaman na malakas pala ang caffeine tolerance ko at adik pala ako talaga sa kape.

Fifth, I focused on two important things: my work and my children. Up to now, 'yan pa din ang priorities ko sa buhay. 

Anything and anyone that would distract me from these two will have to wait or take the backseat.

Ginalingan ko sa dalawang bagay na nabanggit ko. I decided to become better with every work that I do.

Matel, a classmate and friend since HS, also a 
singleD mom,took me out as often as she could despite her busy schedule.

Ginalingan ko pa ang pagiging mommy at kaibigan sa mga anak ko. Hinuli ko ang sarili kong happiness at needs para sa kanila, just like mosrt parents would do, lalo na kapag singleD.

I wanted to be efficient and useful in all areas where I can contribute. Perhaps because I didn't want any more failures.

With coffee buddies and "raket mates"
Carol (middle) and Lynda (right)

Which brings me to the next way that I coped with my new normal of being SingleD. 

Tinanim ko sa isip ko ang isang napakasimple pero rock na advice na nakuha ko sa boss, schoolmate at friend ko na si Menchie.

Nung mga araw na di ako makabangon at sinabi ko sa kanya na ayoko na maging AKO, ayoko na ang buhay ko, she called me and even offered to come and be with me.

I drive all the way to Laguna just to have a sensible
conversation with my two BFFs (bestfriends): Dee (left) and Patty (middle)

She told me: "Wala tayong karapatan magreklamo eh. Lalo na sa trabaho natin." (Nagtatrabaho kami sa isang foundation na ang focus ay Disaster Response at Medical Assistance).

Being bigger than myself: at work during
one of our relief and feeding operations.

Tama di ba? Be BIGGER than yourself! Maraming taong mas grabe ang problema. Look at what you have and not what you don't have. Sa dami ng mga taong na-encounter namin sa trabaho na mga nangangailangan, talagang natauhan ako sa advice na 'yun. And so, instead of being defeated by the trial, I decided to get back up and become a warrior.

Kasama sa paglaban ang huli at pinaka-importanteng paraan na ginawa ko para mag-cope: Mahalin ang sarili ko. 

With my boss, friend, and schoolmate, Menchie.

I was married for 22 years. My ex-husband was my friend for five years. Then we were boyfriend/girlfriend for more than three years. Ibig sabihin, more than half of my lifetime siya nasa buhay ko.

My life practically revolved around him. I loved him so much and wanted to save my marriage so badly because I didn't want to hurt my children.

After he left, I didn't know what would make me happy.  Sino nga ba ako without him? I needed to figure that out.

I needed to find out who I was and regain my self-esteem and self-respect. I needed to make myself whole as a singleD person. But all these was a long process. I am still at it to this present day.

Loving myself more as part of my "new normal" .

And so what I did was to love myself more. Love myself this time. And from then on, this was to become my "new normal."

My steady group of friends from gradeschool, 
highschool, college and masteral who 
have helped me cope with my "new normal".

My journey as a singleD mom goes on as bits and pieces of this "new normal" are being revealed one by one.

Coping with any "new normal" will never be easy.  Pero pasasaan ba, this too shall pass.

Sana ganun din tayo sa harap ng pandemyang ito. Let us decide to be warriors at harapin ang ating "new normal" nang buong tapang, knowing that God is always with us.

Until then! Catch you later!

Nancy Mommy