When He Finally Came Home

By Nancy D. Galang, M.A.

"In life, we loved you dearly, in death we love you still. In our hearts you hold a place, no one else will ever fill." - author unknown

Randolfh Stephen Baxter Concepcion
June 27, 1964-September 29, 2021

Para sa mga Nan-sis (Nanay-Sisters) ko na regular readers ng aking blogs, you know how my life has been.  Maraming pagsubok. Maraming seasons. Maraming chapters. Maraming kulay. Some friends have told me, "parang teleserye ang buhay mo." Ang genre: heavy drama!

So much has happened. 

This last blow --- the passing of my ex-husband, Randy, was just way too much for me to carry. Mabigat. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit nangyari sa aming mag-iina. The past 3 months have been very confusing. Sa ngayon, in-shock pa kami at hindi pa talaga nag-si-sink in that he is gone. 

Hindi ko ma-explain kung ano ang nararamdaman ko up to this day. Gusto ko malaman sa sarili ko na tama ang nararamdaman ko. When I do have the time to sit even for just a few minutes, or late at night before I sleep, I often wonder, ito ba or 'yun ba dapat ang maramdaman ko? Am I grieving properly? Am I feeling the right emotions?

Ano nga ba nararamdaman ko? 

When I found out the tragic news, I just got out of a virtual orientation for my new job. It was supposed to be a happy day, or so I thought. After all, I felt like, God has finally given me the job I prayed for. The meeting started at 8:00AM. 

I was totally clueless that thirty minutes before, Randy already breathed his last. 

It was right before lunch when I finished with my orientation. Shortly,  Nastassia got a call from Randy's brother and it sounded like he wanted to speak to all of my children present in the house at that time. Then I knew something was wrong, but hoped that it was just an update that Randy had been successfully intubated, as he struggled with the procedure the previous night. Pero, may kakaibang kaba. Kaya sinabi ko kay Nastassia, give me Amara, go up to Rocky's room so you guys can talk. 

I sat for a few minutes on the couch, holding Amara, staring into blank space. Biglang na-realize ko, teka, kailangan naroon ako at malaman ko kung ano ang nangyayari. So I immediately went up to Rocky's room. And there I saw Nastassia crying, Rocky was on the phone. Ang nasambit ko: "Wala na?"

I asked to speak to his brother na matagal ko na ding hindi nakikita or nakakausap. Ang sinabi ko lang, "Salamat sa pag-aalaga kay Randy. Ang request ko lang, sana whatever your plans are, I will be welcome to see him."

Hindi man kami OK ni Randy for the past 5 years, I did not realize that his death would have this effect on me. Noon, sumagi sa isip ko, what if mauna siya at ganito ang sitwasyon namin? Naisip ko, magiging ok lang naman ako malamang dahil sanay naman na kami nang wala siya. 

But one can never be ready for the passing of a family member. Lalo na if he was your partner, the father of your children, and better half - for a long time. More so when you did not have the chance to make peace with each other. 

I realize now, kung ang mga namamatayan nga na in a "normal" family situation na okay ang mga relasyon nila sa isa't-isa, matinding lungkot ang nararamdaman, e mas-malungkot pala kung hindi kayo OK at hindi nagkaroon ng chance na magkaayos. Sayang, I would have wanted to become friends with him again, given more time to heal from what happened between us. I would have wanted him to come back and be a part of the lives

of our children. Our apo. 

And so when he finally came home, I was so thankful. I did not expect it to happen the way it did. Salamat sa pamilya niya na "pinauwi" si Randy sa amin ng mga anak namin. 

"Finally, he is home." 

Finally, 'yung inaasam-asam ko way back 2017 na umuwi muli siya sa amin, ito na, nangyari na. 

Maybe in your minds right now, mga Nan-sis, ang weird naman ni Nancy, umuwi nga, e wala namang buhay, di ba? 

Pero sa totoo lang kasi, sa tingin ko, it would never have been possible if he was still alive. 

Sa tindi ng pinagdaanan namin, sa lalim ng sama ng loob namin sa isa't isa, alam kong wala na kaming pag-asa na magkabalikan pa,  if he was still alive. 

Maybe we would never have reconciled. Maybe he will never come close to his children as he did when he finally came home last September 30. 

I have been angry for so long. Randy hurt me deeply, and perhaps, I did the same to him. In the years that followed, I had to be more angry, to become the strong Nancy I needed to be, to face being a  "singleD" mom to our four children. Kung ano ang tindi ng pagmamahal ko sa asawa ko, ganun na lang din ang tindi ng galit na pinairal ko, para maging OK ako. I did not want to be the softie Nancy. I had to be another version of myself in order to survive. After all, if I did not choose to be that way, paano ako makaka-move on kung lagi akong aasa na babalik pa siya? Our lives went on without him.

Pero when I found out pa lang na nasa hospital siya and that he has been sick for a few weeks, I wanted to be there. Parang nawala na maski anong galit ko. Automatic. Parang miracle, na all of a sudden, I felt the love I had for him and all our good memories as a couple and as a family,  came back. 

But then, his condition prevented any of us from being by his side. 

Gusto ko sana na ako ang mag-alaga sa kanya. Parang sa loob-loob ko, alam ko na, maybe, this would be my last chance. Baka dapat mag-ayos na kami. I thought, what if pumunta ako, pero ipagtabuyan ako? Inisip ko na lang, hindi niya kakayanin, kasi maysakit siya! Kaya this time, wow, puwede ko na ipagpilitan ang sarili ko!

Sadly, hindi nga nangyari. Hanggang sa nawala na siya, hindi na namin siya nakasama. 

Ngayon lang talaga, after five years. 

When he finally came home, I sat him (his urn) on the couch and told him, "Dito kami nakatira. Welcome to our house." Naglinis ako nang kaunti sa kusina, tapos umakyat na kami and I put him by my bedside - sa night table. Tapos, itinabi ko sa pagtulog, niyakap ko --- mahigpit. Pagkakataon na naming bumawi sa mga taong hinayaan naming lumipas. It was surreal. But I knew, finally he was just right there - beside me.

Siyempre, cry-cry. Matindi, kasi marami akong mga tanong sa kanya na that time ko lang nasabi. Marami akong mga sinabing "sana" ganito, ganyan na lang ang ginawa natin. Finally, lahat ng sama ng loob ko at hinanakit, diretsahan kong nasabi. At wala siyang magawa, kundi makinig! For the first time, sobrang tahimik ni Randy!

Now that he is gone, tahimik na rin ako, Wala na akong sisisihin e. The blame game is over. Wala nang makapagbibigay sa akin ng matinding sama ng loob kasi hindi niya napuntahan ang mga anak namin. At ngayong wala na siya, it meant a lot na sinabi sa akin ng bestfriend niya na marami pang plano si Randy sana. Isa na dun ang ayusin daw ang pamilya niya. Ang makabalik sa amin (hindi kailangang maging kami ulit), tuma-timing lang sana. Hindi man nangyari, I am glad, nalaman ko ito. This makes a lot of difference as I grieve and move on.

Wala na akong kaaway. Magaan na ang loob ko in a way.  This is what I actually told him when we bid him goodbye before he got cremated, "Sweetheart, bati na tayo." Then I told him I forgive him. At the same time, I asked him to forgive me too.

So bringing Randy home brought reconciliation in the family, some sort of healing and forgiveness in our hearts, I should say. Hindi man totally 100 percent kaagad (kasi alam naman natin na to heal,

forgive and forget, is a long process) I am now more peaceful. 

And I know Randy is too. He is no longer longing to be with his children. I just know. Because now he can watch over them 24/7.

The first time I dreamt about him after he passed, I asked him, "Kumusta ka?" And he replied, "Andito 'ko sa mga bata." 

Maybe, this was his way of finally coming home. 

Until then! Catch you later!

Nancy Mommy