Becoming "SingleD"

By Nancy D. Galang, M.A.

Becoming "singleD" was truly an unexpected turn in my life. Bata pa lang ako, I pictured that to be my ideal self, I should be the following:

1) A loving and supportive wife, married to a good man who will provide well for his family (this to me, meant na ibibigay ko ang limelight sa husband ko and ako sa background lang), even though I could have a career at the same time;

2) A good cook (di kailangan mala-chef pero at least kaya ipagluto ang pamilya ko maski simpleng adobo, sinigang, afritada, etc.);

3) A creative homemaker (may malinis at maayos na bahay kahit simple at maliit lang);

4) And isa sa pinaka-nasa top sa list ko... ang pagiging cool mom! 'Yung aalagaan ko mga anak ko simula ipanganak sila, hanggang may mga anak na sila. 'Yung tipong I can play with them na parang bata din ako, and paglaki nila, we would all end up to be very good friends, barkada.

In my 50 years of existence, it seems nakuha ko naman lahat 'yan, except 'yung number one.

I got married at the age of 24, late afternoon of December 27, 1993. Signal number 3. Sa Tagaytay. My guests barely made it (I remember we had 120 on our list), some of them nagalit, lalo na ang mga Tita kong matatanda, na it was too foggy especially on their way home.

Sabi nila kapag bumagyo sa araw ng kasal mo, that's a "blessing." In my case, I don't know now whether it was a blessing or a warning that I would battle many storms in my marriage.

Of course, people will say "You have four wonderful children out of it, so it’s still a blessing." I will not disagree, but I'll get to that later. Para lang kasi sa akin, if our marriage was blessed, then I would be living the ideal life that I pictured when I was a child.

              My Blessings: (From L to R): Nadja, Nix, Nastassia and Rocky (top) 

But then, ito na... I AM SINGLED after almost 23 years of being married. We split up on December 22 , 2016, five days before our supposed 23rd wedding anniversary. Akala ko nun isang major LQ (lovers' quarrel) lang, kaya that year 2016 to be exact, December 27, I wore a dress to work, hoping we would get back with each other that night. Hindi pala.

Masaklap maging single. It was so painful that it numbs you. Of course, kung nasanay ka na may kasama ka, kahit having someone by your bedside lang gabi-gabi, it was difficult, even if matagal na kaming emotionally apart.  

Looking back, we started having problems in 2009 (that’s basically half of our marriage) but I kept fighting for it, until isang araw I woke up feeling I was all alone in the fight. Darating pala sa point na you will get tired. Not just tired but exhausted sa kakalaban.

Kahit gustong-gusto mo ang isang bagay, pag naubos ka, the feeling of resignation comes and you will just tell yourself: It’s time to stop. Tama na 'to.

And so  I woke up one day... I was singleD. I AM single.

It was a major life trial that made me lose sight of the other good things and blessings in front of me. I felt like a zombie na gusto na  matulog, gusto na mamatay, pero ayaw mangyari.  You wake up, go to work, go home, sleep. And the same routine every single(d) day.

Ang pangit-pangit mo na, ang laki laki na ng eye bags mo, pati talukap mo hindi mo na maidilat sa kakaiyak.  Nangangayayat ka, wala kang appetite, di mo napi-feel ang magutom. 

Ito na sana 'yung diet na gusto mo gawin noon--but NO, at this time that didn’t matter.  Nothing else mattered. Isa lang – SURVIVAL. Hinga lang, Nancy.

At dito na pumapasok ang blessing na pinag-uusapan natin kanina.  Yes, sounds cliché, but my children made me get up each day.

So I kept waking up. And isa lang ang reason ko: I needed to work for my children so they can eat and I can send them to school.  I focused on this day by day routine: Get up, take a shower (crying in the shower included), go to work -work, work, work - go back to my kids and make sure they were OK. I kept repeating to myself: "Nancy bawal maloka. Bawal ma-depress. Wala na ngang tatay, mawawala pa ang nanay?"

Fast forward to 2020, here we are, I am with my four children: Nix, Nastassia, Nadja, and Rocky.  And guess what? WE ARE ALL OK.

With my Survival Kit

At that time I became single, isa pa lang ang nakatapos. Ngayon, dalawa na sila. Nix now works as a Flight Attendant in an international airline.  While Nastassia is still job hunting, she has started her online shop just recently. 

My two other kids, Nadja and Rocky, are both in college and both are consistent honor students.  I have survived the past 3 years, na akala ko mamamatay ako--literal--when I lost my husband, parang di ako makahinga ilang buwan, pero di ko pinaabot ng taon.

To stop and to dwell on that feeling was something I did not do. I kept on working and even kept two jobs to make ends meet.  (I am currently working at a television network and I was teaching for the longest time in an exclusive school for girls).

So now here I am. Still standing. Still fighting to survive the everyday challenges of a SINGLE MOM. And to you who may be reading this and may be in the same situation, first let me congratulate you for choosing to live because of your children. For choosing to go on because you decided to love yourself.

I hope to explore more of my journey as a single mom in my second blog and  perhaps in the next blogs to come.  I hope you can join me in my journey back to where I was, to where I am now, and to where destiny takes me. 

I hope I can come up with one every week. 

Until then... Nancy Mommy.