Choosing to Heal (from the Pains of Being SingleD)

By Nancy D. Galang, M.A.

"Be brave enough to heal yourself even when it hurts." - Bianca Sparacino

To heal means avoiding excess baggage as we
journey in life. 

Healing is a process. To some it happens quickly. To many, like me, it takes a longer time.

When I became singleD, there were many things, activities, events and people that I avoided to shield myself from any more pain.

I avoided going to Church because the first few times my kids and I did, I was so envious of the families there with a mom and a dad.

I didn't want to go to restaurants to eat out with my kids because I would miss his (my ex) presence.

I rejected the idea of going to see movies in theaters because I would normally do that with him.

I didn't go to watch gigs of bands in bars because I would remember him.

I kept away from any of his relatives and friends not because I had anything against them, but because I knew it will help me move on faster.

Up to now, I am not comfortable going out with a group of friends. I still prefer having coffee with one or two of my closest because I feel uncomfortable having to talk about what happened in case someone asks.

I am more comfortable going out with my singleD
friends (one at a time) than with a group of friends
because sharing our stories bring healing to both of us.
(above: with Dee, Matel. below: with Lynda, Monina)

I avoided listening to love songs because it would make me cry.

I avoided remembering occasions that were special to us. For the past years, I made sure I was somewhere on the day of our wedding anniversary.

As I write this, it is his birthday. Di ko inakala na darating ang araw na I will not be celebrating this day with him. 

I felt better being "somewhere" everytime
our wedding anniversary came.

I avoided the usual kuwentuhan with my officemates during breaks for fear that the topic might come out. More often than not, I would eat alone on my desk.

I limited my attendance in family gatherings for the same reason. I did not want to talk about my marriage. Back then, him leaving us made me feel so insecure.

Then slowly, albeit without me knowing how, my routine started to normalize.

Going to church for instance, had become something I felt that my kids and I needed more to be able to overcome our situation together.  When I now see families with dads, yes I still get envious, but there is no pain anymore.

Being able to talk about what happened in my
marriage with my family helps in the process of healing. 

The same had to be done in eating out --- overcome the fear of having to look at other tables and knowing you would feel bad. The first few times, I found myself repeatedly answering "six" once waiters asked the question "table for how many?"

Eventually also, I tried watching movies with my sisters or with a friend or two. First few times, of course brought back memories that only saddened me.  Eventually, I learned to enjoy the movies regardless of who I was with. Soon, I enjoyed the company of others.

Family gatherings are a must. So I had no choice but to overcome the fear that anytime the topic may surface. I was most specially concerned with how my kids would react. Eventually, we all have become comfortable talking about it - even to the point of joking about it.

Going to church as regularly as we can helps
us to be stronger in overcoming our family situation

Lunches with my officemates were difficult because some of them would make a joke about my situation, not knowing that behind my smiles I was hurting so deeply. But again, it's true that time helps you feel better, even though the wounds have not healed completely.

The first gig I had to watch since we separated was a fundraising event held for the foundation I work for. It was extra-difficult seeing those bands without remembering my ex.  But then just like being in movie theaters, I have learned to just be in the moment and enjoy the show.

Slowly I also became comfortable again going out with a group of friends, starting with my churchmates. I realized, talking about what happened was just an option. And that opening up about the truth was a form of healing in itself.

Going out with a group of friends was difficult after
the separation, but I found it helpful to start doing so
again with my churchmates. 

Today, listening to love songs is as casual as it was before everything happened. But I guess there are songs that would always remind you of your ex, and you just have to let that be. However, when I do deliberate listening in Spotify or YouTube, it's more of praise and worship songs that make me feel good.

I have also started getting in touch with a chosen few of his relatives (that are really close to me), and I felt good about it.

Today, his birthday, has also just become an ordinary day. And I just found myself telling my kids casually to greet their dad.

December 27 has also become just a day that I would remember that I got married, and that's it.

Indeed, healing is a process. 

God has given us so much blessings for us not to try
get up from negative events in our lives. 

You need to help yourself in order to get there. Avoiding whatever causes you pain can be a good start. Praying hard for yourself is also very helpful. Don't let that negative event in your life destroy you. Make the decision to just conquer your fears. Eventually, in God's perfect time, you'll feel OK again.

Until then mga Nan-sis! Catch you later!

Nancy Mommy