Making SingleD Parenting Work

I worked too hard and failed to set my boundaries. 
Until I felt great exhaustion and burnout, and
didn't realize I was also getting depressed.

By Nancy David Galang, M.A.

 “Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.” – Author Unknown

I have worked full time for the past 14 years. Previously, I was teaching part time and doing TV work as a producer. I also put up my video production house and ran it for about 12 years. When I was still married, I worked just to provide support to my husband and add to the family income. But since at that time, he was CEO of their family business, and this was also when I already started my career as an Executive Producer for television, I found myself having money at the bank that I did not really need to spend. I was so busy too, that I had no time to spend the money I earned. BUT…unfortunately, this was only for a while. In 2008, I found myself compelled to work for the same reason that most of you have: Para mabuhay, para buhayin ang pamilya, lalo na ang ating mga anak.

I enjoyed being a freelance TV producer and a part time college teacher for the longest time. I did not have to report within the eight-to-five or nine-to-six corporate set-up and was pretty much in control of my time. Kapag natapos na ang taping, uwi na. Minsan may meetings right after lalo na kapag daily show at live ang hawak ko, but we still got to finish by 3PM. I would teach twice a week, handling 9-12 units. So, ang pasok ko ay sa oras lang din ng mga klase ko. We were not required to attend school events as regular part-timers. I had time for the kids. I had time for myself. I was “alive”, even though I was working. But the past 14 years that I was working full time, I was so busy making a living, but did not have the quality of life that I really wanted.

SingleD parents like me, MUST work to make the whole set-up work. My husband’s career started spiraling down in 2008, and I had to step-up to provide for the family. This, too, became the start of our marital woes and we ended up separating. (Read: My first blog entry here: https://nancydavidgalang.blogspot.com/2020/04/becomingsingled-6-2020-nancy-d.html).

My G Skwad: from L to R: Nastassia,
Nix, Nadja, and Rocky

I needed to make being a singleD parent work. Sa akin po naiwan ang apat kong anak. For the first time readers of my blog, "Nancy Mommy Naging SingleD", I call them the G Skwad. Nicolette, “Nix”, who is my eldest was the only one who was finished with school when I became singleD. Nastassia, “Clarice” was in college, Nadja, “France”, just finished high school, and Rockwell, “Rocky” was in high school. That was the scariest moment of my life kasi ang pakiramdam, mga Nan-sis (Nanay Sisters) hindi ko talaga kakayanin. I felt literally sick to my stomach, I felt like masusuka ako kasi may isang bagay na pilit pinapagawa sa akin na alam kong hindi ko kaya. I was barely two years in my full-time job in a media-based non-government organization, and I was earning just the right amount of money, we had debts (mostly loans for tuition fees that earned humongous interests monthly), and lahat ng mga kautangan ay naiwan din sa akin.

But I had no choice, and like most of you, I work because I have to. Suwerte lang ako na noong time na nagkahiwalay kami ng asawa ko, I was employed and hindi man kataasan ang suweldo ko, it helped pay for the bills. Of course, I had to continue teaching and doing video production as sidelines, to have that extra income. Bonus na nga na I was enjoying my work and I enjoyed the people I worked with. 

But what if ang set-up ay hindi ganoon? What if you were placed in a toxic work environment, with lots of toxic people? Mataas na ang pressure mo sa deliverables mo, hindi ka pa masaya sa mga nakapaligid sa’yo? Paano naaaaaaa? Ang bigat, hindi ba? I am sure relate kayo mga Nan-sis.

I had a very traumatic experience in one of my jobs. And that got me thinking about the purpose and meaning of my life and why I do the things I do. I also asked these questions: Why am I working? Why do I have to endure this? What do I really want to do? How can I stop being in this environment and live better? And how can I get there if I still need the money to support my family?

As a singleD parent: I have always worked hard to provide well for my G Skwad, but now
recognizing that I am also just human.

Of course, simple lang naman ang sagot sa number one question. Kailangan ko ng pera! Kailangan natin lahat ‘yan! To most singleD moms, kilay is not life…moolah is life!  Dalawa pa ang pinapaaral ko. Although Nadja has a 100 percent scholarship grant and will graduate by March next year, siyempre may allowances pa din and other expenses. Also, my daughter Nastassia and her daughter and my first apo, Amara, live with me and I help support them. And so, tiniis ko ng more than one year ang trabaho kong 'yun. Ngunit, datapwa’t, 6 months pa lang ako, I saw that things were not going well and how it was making me feel being there. Kaya lang mga Nan-sis, alam naman natin na titiisin natin at hahamakin ang lahat, para sa mga anak natin. I wanted to be not just a good provider; I wanted to be the BEST one. I soldiered on, I fought my everyday anxieties and pressures, and I had one thing in my mind, I had to stay for my children, no matter what.

But there came a point that I could no longer endure it. I had to come to terms with my humanity because I suffered mentally, emotionally, and physically. The last blow was when my blood pressure rose, sumakit ang batok ko, nanikip ang dibdib ko. I am sharing this with you mga Nan-sis, because baka makatulong ako na hindi na kayo umabot sa pinagdaanan ko na naubos na ako, I was traumatized, and I needed a lot of healing. 

Worth it pa ba na umabot ka na bumaba ang
resistensya mo at makarating sa state of 
depression nang dahil sa trabaho?

So if you are in that situation, how can you make SingleD Parenting Work?

Hit the pause button.

If you are experiencing crisis at work, or life in general, take a break mga Nan-sis. Clear your head before making a major decision. After all, marami pong walang trabaho ngayon. Having a job is a major blessing. Maybe you are just very, very tired. Baka pahinga lang ang katapat. Perhaps a retreat. More meditation? Before I decided to resign, I asked my boss for a mental and emotional health break. Then I had covid, so break was stretched a bit more. Ang kaso, hindi talaga nagbago ang desisyon ko at realization ko that I needed to move forward and explore other options. I was not only tired, but I was also drained, fatigued, stressed, heart-broken, and depressed at work. Pero iba-iba naman kasi ang pinagdadaanan nating challenges, and kayo lang ang makakaalam kung ano ang OK at hindi para sa inyo. Meantime habang iniisip ninyo kung ano ang mas makabubuti sa inyo, take that much needed break.

Pause for a while if you find yourself
in the middle of a life crisis. You deserve 
that break so you can also think more clearly
before making any major decision.

1  Know your life priorities.

Of course, it is a given that earning for one’s family is important. When I became singleD, I wanted to rock at it. Gaya nang nabanggit ko, I wanted more than enough money for me and my kids. Ayoko na bumalik sa moment na wala kami ni pang Mc Donald's! And I felt that I reached the point of financial bliss,  pero na-realize ko na hindi pala pera-pera lang. Is it all worth it? NO! I realized that being well should be the most important priority. And I mean in all aspects of wellness: mental, emotional, and physical. As I mentioned above, hindi na po ako nakakatulog, hindi din ako nakakakain sa oras dahil sa dikit-dikit na meetings, tatayo ako para lang makapag-bio-break. Aanhin po natin ang financial wealth kung pinatay na natin ang sarili natin sa kakakayod?  Hindi ba mas-kailangan pa rin tayo ng mga anak natin nang buhay? SingleD parent na nga at walang katuwang 'di ba? Tapos mamamatay pa soon! So while we have to keep our jobs, let’s find a work-life balance please. If you are currently dissatisfied with where you are, better start looking at your options and taking steps so you can get out of the rut you are in.

One of my priorities, to spend a lot of
time with my apo, Amara. I realized
I had to do some catching up. 

2) Know what you want to do vs. what you have to do.

It is a given that I cannot stop working yet because aside from supporting my children, I still pay for a house and car loan. So since need ko nga mag-work, I am now looking at job sites every single day. Praying that God will take me to a better place. Because to work, is what I HAVE to do. 

What about what I WANT to do? I want to write, I want to create content, I want to go back to my video production business. But it is not that easy. These will not sustain our financial needs immediately.  Kung may "papa" lang nga ako sana na nagsasabi sa akin ng, “Sweetie, you don’t need to work, alagaan mo na lang ako (charot).” Or “Honey, naiinip ka ba? O, eto ang salapi, mag-open ka ng business mo para maaliw ka”. Sana all, di ba? 

Mapalad kayong mga may "papa". 
Sana all! 

Kaya kayong mga pinagpala na may asawa na buhay pa na magaling mag-provide, tumahimik na please. Be grateful!!! You are in a more privileged place than most singleD moms. Nagagawa ninyo ang gusto ninyo!

So, since wala nga akong "papa", I am now exploring ways how to be able to do all these things and still earn that stable income that I need --- these things make me really happy and had to take a backseat because I feel that employment is what I need to have right now. Pero mga Nan-sis, and advise ko lang, huwag ninyong bibitawan ang passions ninyo, if you can do them on the side and start thinking about how you can turn them into profit, then one day, maybe you can quit your job. (Huwag n’yo po ako gagayahin na nag-resign nang wala pang kapalit na work or other sources of income).

3)     Love and think of yourself first.

Mga Nan-sis I feel that I over-exerted myself.  Masipag po akong tao, at alam ko, kayo rin! I worked very late hours. Ayoko mapahiya sa boss ko. Ayoko mapahiya sa sarili ko. Pipikit na lang ako, trabaho pa din ang nasa isip ko. I always told myself araw-araw, kahit I was already suffering, “Kaya mo ‘yan Nancy!!! Ang dami mo na pinagdaanan na mas-mabigat, mas-mahirap, mas-world-shaking!”. But what I did not tell or ask myself everyday was “Kumust ka Nancy? Ok ka pa ba? Masaya ka pa ba?”. “Nakakapahinga ka pa ba?” or a better question is "Nakakahinga ka pa ba sa dami ng trabaho"? It was months of crying, sleepless nights, recurring covid, and mental and emotional anguish. So mga Nan-sis, kahit ano pa ang ginagawa ninyo, whether you are employed, you have your own business, or you are a full-time mom (or dad), make sure na kumustahin ninyo ang lagay ng sarili ninyo araw-araw. We work for others mostly, like ako for my kids, but it is important that you do not stop caring and taking care of yourself first. Kapag naubos ka, e mas-malaki ang problema. 

Be kind to others. But be a little kinder
to yourself. 

4)     Maintain that work-life balance.

We definitely need to work, but we have to set our boundaries. What happened to me was I failed to draw the line between my personal life and work. In fact, I think what broke my heart was the expectation that the people I worked with would be like family but turned out NOT. But I realized that it is okay. Work is work. Leave it at that. Keep your personal space, set your boundaries, draw the line. Blessing na lang on top of the blessing of having a job na makahanap ka ng pamilya within the work setting. 

Being with family is how we make a "life" and 
maintain our balance.

Above all, never forget to rest, spend time with your family, and do your hobbies, or the simple things that give you joy. As my late father-in-law always said: Take time to smell the flowers. For me, as I said, writing is one of them and sitting now in front of my laptop, writing, while drinking my iced coffee, gives me so much joy!

Kaya mga Nan-sis, kung kayo ay may pinagdadaanan sa trabaho ninyo, or kahit sa ibang aspects ng buhay ninyo - lalo na major challenges that cause you mental, emotional, and physical stress, ask yourselves if it is still worth it. If not, start thinking of how to get out and save yourselves. Of course, you cannot just quit na walang fallback. Whether or not, may nakilala ka nang papa (joke!) or may sure option ka na na source of income. That way, you will be happier and can make singleD parenting work better. 

I hope you learned a thing or two from this entry. I wish everyone fun days at work. But make a life and choose your happiness! Until then, catch you later!

Nancy Mommy