Nancy Mommy ay Nagmahal
By Nancy David Galang, MA
And one day I understood that it is no one's job to but mine, to take care of myself and make myself happy." - Paulo Coelho
Hello mga Nan-sis!
Paano ka magmahal? Gaano mo kamahal ang asawa mo? Gaano mo minahal ang ex mo? Ang mga anak mo? Madali sagutin di ba? Well at least for me. Dahil alam ko kung ano ang kaya ko gawin para sa mga mahal ko sa buhay.
Pero paano ka? Paano tayo? Gaano natin kamahal ang ating mga sarili? This is one tough question for me. Matagal ko nang hindi napag-isipan. Matagal ko na din yata hindi na pa-practice!
As singleD moms, we tend to give...and give...and give and take nothing in return.
This year I had a big realization that I should not just listen when I hear people say "do some self-love", "love yourself first before you can love others", or "you will be a better mom if you do some me time". I should take it to heart and practice it.
The past year was confronted by a series of hospitalizations for the G Skwad, that started in March 2023 and recently “concluded” (I claim!) last month. The flooding in our area (3 times this year) added to this unfortunate situation. As a mom who is trying to hold the fort single-handedly, this was very, very challenging. But as they say, in every trial, God is teaching us a lesson.
So in this entry, I wish to share these lessons in
this part of my journey with you, dear Nan-sis (Nanay Sisters), my readers, as
well as my dear friends.
Lesson #1: Recognize that we are only Human
Way back 2017, I took on the challenge to build my G Skwad (Galang Squad) alone (of course I got by with a little, sometimes big help from my family, and especially friends).
My thoughts were always pre-occupied with finding ways of solving our family’s financial needs that took most of my every day and unknowingly becoming the purpose for my existence!
On top of being a provider, I was the emotional and mental source of comfort for my children. If you are an avid follower of my blogs or have at least read a few, then it is not new to you that two of my children have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). (Read: https://nancydavidgalang.blogspot.com/2020/10/nadjas-story-dealing-with-your-childs.html https://nancydavidgalang.blogspot.com/2023/04/my-life-lately-part-2-my-son-has.html)
Then 2020 came, I became a "Grammy" (grandmother) and physically, I was there to put my apo (grandchild) to sleep, play with her, and even chase after her! In other words, I felt like a real super mom (and super lola) who can handle anything and everything. Well, that's what I thought. (Read: https://nancydavidgalang.blogspot.com/2020/06/becoming-singled-lola-by-nancy-d.html)
But this year, when I encountered health issues, I realized I am not
as invincible as I want - and need to be. I realized my humanity – that my body can only do so much, especially at my "tander" age of 55. Haha. And that my heart, mind and soul,
can only take so much.
The lesson? Accept that you are human - and in my case, not getting any younger. Getting help when
you need it, is OK. Accepting your limitations as a single mom should follow
suit. Telling your children and family that you cannot handle certain things because of this
limitation will make them realize they need to step-up for certain tasks and
responsibilities. And what better time for me since my children are all adults now.
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| "Be the love you never received." - Rune Lazuli |
I have always been a giver - to my children most especially. And I think that this mindset and practice is not uncommon to most parents, because we love our children and want to give them the best. Yun nga lang, sometimes exaggerated na tayo and we give more than we actually can.
Before my two hospital confinements in a span of just barely a month, I would always say, ‘I am happy as long as my children are happy.’ And so, my typical day has revolved around all of them: I wake up, cook breakfast for everybody, rush to work, and give my best in all the things that I have to do. When I still have the energy, I cook when I get home, but when I am too tired, I take out food from wherever. Aside from cooking, I also do the laundry. Before the day ends, I begin to think about dinner and lunch for the following day. Pero hindi pa diyan nagtatapos! Sounds familiar, mga Nan-sis?
I make sure the kitchen is spick and span. Sit for just a while. Then go up to the room that I share with my apo and daughter (I will get to this later), try hard to get some sleep. Most nights I fail as I get to it at around 2-3am. So yes, halos lagi akong puyat.
On weekends, I teach in college (Saturdays). Sundays are set for chores - cleaning the house and more laundry. If I get the energy to do it, I go out with the G Skwad (of course only when our budget permits). And the cycle goes on. Relate???
But this is the very lifestyle that has led to my exhaustion and feeling drained every day. And so, the lesson I want to share here is to learn to slow down and set boundaries for yourself. Do not try to do everything because hindi din naman matatapos ang trabaho sa bahay. Isa pa, lalo na't wala akong helper, there are my kids who should be able to do their share. Recognizing our limits and being able to tell yourself "tama na, iyan lang ang kaya mo sa ngayon", is good. Saying no to things we cannot do, and no longer do, dahil tao lang tayo na kailangan magpahinga, is OK. More so when we are confronted with health issues.
Lesson #3: Get some Quality Sleep
When one of my doctors paid me a visit, he asked me what
time I go to bed, and what time I actually get to that deep sleep, which in my
research is called the the
third stage of non-rapid eye movement (NREM) sleep. While in this stage of deep
sleep, one’s heart rate and breathing slow down, and muscles relax. It allows
the brain to recover from the day's activity and improves memory. (Sana all
makaabot sa third stage ng NREM sleep!)
The last time I was able to sleep this way (meaning no G Skwad member woke me up), was when someone gifted me with a “staycation”. Prior to this, I was sleep-deprived since 2020, when I started becoming a very hands-on Grammy. Grammy combines the two words, grandmother and mommy – but I think I overdid the grandmother part and almost became her mommy.
With my then newborn apo, I found myself the one putting her to sleep and playing with her until the wee hours of the morning when she wouldn’t.
I wanted her mom to restore her energy
for her day duty and so for a time, I took the night shift. Being roommates with
a toddler now has also taken a toll on my health. Hindi ko alam what I was thinking, when I still had work the following day.
I was also (for a year) employed by a company where I found myself working until 2AM and waking up to toxic workmates. While I am one who can endure whatever workload is given, the mental and emotional anguish caused by my team added to my lack of sleep as I was thinking about how I can make them vanish in my life so that when I wake up wala na sila sa office! I was so stressed because I wanted to keep my job. But then obviously, I chose to quit and save my mental, emotional, and physical health and gave up my 6-figure paycheck.
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| "The absence of self-love can never be replaced with the presence of people's love for you." - Edmond Mbiaka |
I gave up my room so my children can have their own
space in the house. For 4 years now, I have been sharing with my daughter Nastassia
and my apo Amara. While I am undeniably the biggest fan of Amara (well maybe
second), I have to admit that being with her in one room has taken away my privacy,
my quality sleep (as well as quantity), and the quiet time that I only get to
give myself before I go to sleep and upon waking up in the morning.
Having a place where you can shut out the rest of the world and just be quiet is so important nowadays, when there is just so much information overload and social media comparison trap. To solve this problem, I got cleaners to help me convert the room downstairs into an extra room to redeem my space back.
I read that having your own space has the following
advantages:
Mental
health
Having one’s
space is a psychological need that helps in maintaining emotional balance, managing
stress, and keeping that healthy sense of self.
Being
able to Recharge
Personal
space can provide an opportunity to recharge your emotional batteries by doing
activities you enjoy alone.
Helps in one's Focus
Your own
space can help you reflect on problems and focus on solutions. This is also
helpful in lining up your goals and adjusting your strategies.
So mga Nan-sis, do not ever compromise your space - not just physical, but mental and emotional as well.
Lesson #5: Being Mindful of Your Health and Lifestyle
Cliché’ as
it may sound, the greatest wealth on earth is our health. I have seen rich people
neglect their health, and it comes to a point that not even their millions can
save them. I am a self-confessed workaholic and doing great work is equivalent
to having a high self-esteem. This is not limited to my work at the office but includes
wanting to be the greatest mom on earth. But I have talked about limitations
early on and the acceptance of what you cannot do. I can never be that mom that
I have dreamt to be. I can only try – and though I have set such high standards and
expectations of myself, I see myself failing over and over. So the lesson here is to accept that I can never be a perfect mom and that it is OK to be able to say “I tried my best. I will try to be better tomorrow.”
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| Our first and last love is self-love.” - Christian Nestell Bovee |
Lesson #6: Love Yourself
The best definition of self-love I got from my research is this: “Self-love helps us take care of ourselves, lower stress, and strive for success. But it also protects us from negative thoughts, self-sabotage, and pushing ourselves too far. It’s important to recognize that knowing when to say “no” to is just as important as learning when to say “yes.”” (https://www.betterup.com/blog/self-love)
And this is how I know I neglected myself and failed to give myself that love that I so need!
I didn’t take care of myself like I used to. I forgot
to do my regular salon date with myself. I stopped shopping for my clothes and
other personal items that give me that "retail therapy". I did less of long drives with my friends. I stopped engaging
in my hobbies like singing, decorating the house, and wrote less of my blogs, etc.
I stopped journaling and was not able to do my gratitude list regularly. I just
forgot all these things that gave me simple and pure joy. The very things that feed my soul. Why?!! Because I was just always so distracted with my everyday circumstances.
I did not consciously repel things that cause me
stress. I just battled against all struggles as they came. But now I realize
that it is all about choices. Choosing your battles and saying no to things you
are not supposed to be accountable for. For instance, now that my children are
all adults, I think that they can be accountable for all their mistakes without
me taking the blow for it. The mindset that “I am all they have” has to change
since it is equally important to think “I am all I have in the end”.
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| "Keep taking time for yourself until you're you again." - Lalah Delia |
Above all, I forgot to rest and take breaks. The result is – self-sabotage! Thinking I always can and can do it alone, is very, very wrong!
I think that down the line, one forgets to love herself in trying to keep her family together. But my dear Nan-sis, if you love your family, think that they still need you around for as long as you can – so love yourself!
I want to end this blog entry by sharing that I was recently talking to a dear friend, colleague, and former Professor, and he told me, “Nancy, you have to be at the center of your life. You have to take control.” The talk was so heartwarming and such an eye-opener, that when he started asking me questions about my life situation, tears started to fall, and that very moment, I realized (aside from needing a tissue), I have been quite unhappy these past two years (or maybe longer than I realize) because amidst all the trials, I just forgot about myself. So, I am now taking that direction towards loving myself again, prioritizing my happiness (because no one else will), and doing things that heal my soul. And just a reminder, that you should too.
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| A photo I took in our family resort in Lipa, Batangas: Don't hurry, don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.- |
Until then, catch you later!
Nancy Mommy
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