Grief, Darkness, and the Grace of Stillness
Today is Black Saturday, but I never really knew what it meant. I never really bothered to find out.
So what does Black Saturday mean?
As I have read - in this context, Black Saturday carries these three meanings: grief, darkness, and stillness. Grief, because Jesus has died. Darkness, because there is no clear hope yet. Stillness, because nothing seems to be happening. It's the quietest day of the Holy Week.
Napagdaanan at naramdaman n'yo na ba lahat ito, mga Nan-sis? I surely have. YES na YES to all three!
Grief - we have all lost someone close to us, one way or the other. I have lost my dad, my husband, and my mom.
I am still griving the loss of my mom. We lost her October of last year. It was a long stay in the hospital. For me, each day felt like an emotional tug-of-war, with my prayers constantly changing, my strength rising and falling, sometimes all within the same moment.
May mga araw na ang dasal ko was to give her more time with us, "Lord, pagalingin N'yo siya". Gusto ko pa siya makasama at makausap. Marami pa akong sasabihin. Marami pa akong gustong gawin na pagbawi. Pero may mga araw din na ang dasal ko ay higit pa sa "Thy will be done", kasi ayoko na siyang nakikitang nahihirapan.
I think grief happens the moment fear steps in upon realization na mawawala na ang isang tao sa buhay mo. In a way you panic, because you seem to be running against time and you have to make the most of it. And this applies not only to people who die. I have also grieved people while they were still alive. For example, when me and my husband got separated, I grieved. When some of my friendships ended, I grieved.
No one likes to go through grief. Sino nga ba gustong mawalan ng mahal sa buhay at makaramdam ng matinding lungkot? Yung lungkot na parang may butas sa dibdib mo - a void that cannot be filled up by anything. Yung lungkot that strikes anywhere, anytime.
The first time I went back to work after my bereavement leave, I saw Christmas decorations set-up in the canteen where I work. Naiyak ako!!! Because Christmas was mom! Just like me, I think it was her favorite time of the year.
Grief can be triggered even by the smallest things. And when it does present itself amidst our busy daily grind, we have no choice but to just go through it.
Then there's darkness. Have you ever been in a very, very dark place that it was so hard to see any glimmer of light? Yung maski tunnel, 'di mo makita...yung light pa kaya? That feeling of hopelessness. 'Yung tipo ng dilim sa buhay mo na para kang walang nakikitang katapusan sa pinagdadaanan mo? I have been there, many times, in my journey as a single mom. I have written so many blogs where I shared my challenges and so I will not go into those in detail. Mas maganda, basahin n'yo na lang mga Nan-sis ang iba kong entries tuwing gabi, bago kayo matulog, haha.
But seriously, what were the darkest moments in your lives and paano kayo nakalabas dito?
Ako, if I may share, the darkest moment in my life as a single mom was when one of my kids who struggles with depression, hit rock bottom, as in ayaw na niyang mabuhay. What was a single parent like me to do? I stayed beside my child, praying from the moment I woke up until evening - whispering short, quiet, constant prayers, spoken and unspoken, repeated over and over, yet carrying the deepest cries of my heart."Lord, let us survive this. By your grace, plant in my child's heart the will to live." And just like many downs through this depression, those seasons end.
Of course, isa lang 'yan mga Nan-sis. Marami pang pagkakataon na ang feeling ko, 'yun na ang pinakamadilim na moment sa buhay ko. When I lost my fifth child, I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I felt like I could never get over it. Umabot sa point, we had to leave our home in Quezon City and begin again in the South. What was once a home where so many happy moments lived because it was where all my children spent their childhood, became a place that triggered a painful memory. Eventually I coped and got over it.
And of course, I cannot deny that the separation was one of the darkest seasons of my life. Being married for almost 22 years, you would think that hindi ka na mahihiwalay. Ang tagal na namin! 5 years of being bestfriends, almost 4 years of being boyfriend and girlfriend, and another 21 years being married. Come to think of it, I spent more than half of my life with him. And so, ang feeling ko, hindi na kami magkakahiwalay. But it happened. I went through shock, sleepless nights, depression, weight loss, self-blame, anger, and pure survival - a whole gamut of emotions before I slowly found my way through.
But why do we have to go through grief and darkness?
To lose someone is very painful, especially when it's your parents or your spouse. You sit in pain without any answers as to when the longing will end.
I miss my mom and my dad every single day. Lalo na kapag malungkot ako dahil may ibang taong nakasakit sa akin, yung feeling mo aping-api ka at gusto mo lang magsumbong. Or may problema ako at hindi ko alam kung ano ang solusyon. Or simply, gusto mo lang silang makasama at makausap. Then I long for them...very badly.
Yet I wait - until maybe - it will no longer hurt that much. Until maybe - I will not be this sad when I think of them. Until maybe - masasanay na ako na wala sila.
To go through those dark days, especially when you are a single mom, made me feel like giving up. A lot of times, believe me! But I survived because I held on even when things felt uncertain. When there seems to be no hope, I learned to be still and know that there is God. I learned that even when nothing seems to be happening, something is still unfolding. 'Yung aasahan mo na lang talaga ang faith mo, because to me, faith is believing in something you do not see,'di ba? 'Yung bahala ka na Lord! Hindi ko na ito kaya! At parang imposible na malalabasan ko ang pagsubok sa harapan ko. Pero sa puso ko, alam ko, the Lord was doing something behind the scene para masolusyunan ang problema ko.
Pero maybe that is what Black Saturday is really teaching us, mga Nan-sis - that despite the grieving and the darkness, we only need to be still.
To be still when our hearts are breaking.
To be still when we do not understand.
To be still when all we can do is wait.
Because just like this quiet Saturday, our lives may feel heavy, uncertain, and without answers. But it does not end there. This too shall pass, ika nga.
So if you are in your own Black Saturday right now… stay still lang tayo. Have faith. Bukas Easter Sunday na! It's a time of hope and renewal. Just as Jesus rose, we are reminded that there is light after darkness.
Until then, catch you later!
Nancy Mommy
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