All the SingleD Ladies: Look at Them Now

By Nancy D. Galang, M.A.

“The day that you discover that you are in charge of your life is the day your turn your life around.” – Patricia Fripp

When we face major trials in our lives, we tend to lose our grip. SingleD moms are definitely not spared from this.  Today, I wish to talk about the challenges, failures, and triumphs of some of the singleD moms I know.

When my marriage was still intact, I have always been in awe of singleD moms who were raising their children alone yet it seemed so natural for them. Little did I know that deep inside, they were trying so hard not to explode and lose control over their lives. I had to BE one to know this so well.

When I chatted with Monina (Mon-I, as we fondly called her in college), lagi naming binabanggit na di namin akalain na mangyayari sa aming dalawa ang maging singleD. We were both in the Student Council, feeling namin smart girls kami, pero WHY? Then we just ended up laughing about it and saying, “We can’t have it all at baka makalimot tayo sa Diyos."

With my good friend Monina, who was married for
fourteen years until she became singleD.

Monina is now based in Canada. When I listened to her story, it always seemed like wala ako sa kalingkingan ng mga naganap sa buhay n’ya.  If I may quote her, “In my mind, I failed in my marriage and it was devastating… there were feelings of desolation, depression, fear and it was overwhelming. I was like in total darkness and it was suffocating.” Malalalim na salita. Tagos sa puso. Pero totoo po lahat.

She was married for fourteen years and now singleD with two children. Looking back, she said that after the separation, she feared for her boys and the effects it would have on them. 

“Two young kids were dependent on me for their survival and I had to muster so much courage.” 

Tayong mga ina, kahit ga’ano kasakit ang pinagdadaanan natin, nakakalimutan natin ito kasi mas nag-aalala tayo sa pain ng mga anak natin.  Kaya pipilin nating maging mas malakas.

Tulad ng nasabi ko sa unang-una kong blog ("Becoming SingleD"), 'yung sakit ng paghihiwalay namin was multiplied by 5, kasi dala-dala ko rin ang pain ng bawat isa sa mga anak ko. Kung p’wede ko nga pasanin lahat, I will take away their pain.  That way, di ako nanghuhula kung OK ba sila o hindi, and I would feel like I am still in control.

Monina as a young mom, with her two boys Nikko and Theron.

Monina also said “The loss of confidence was a big challenge because I was so used to having someone, then we parted ways and I started doubting myself if I could do it alone.”

Again, this is very true, alam n’yo ba, mga Nan-sis (Nanay-sisters), up to now, minsan may mga araw pa, kahit a few minutes lang,  that I would be overcome with fear.  Fear na kaya ko kaya mag-isa? Parang bigla na lang akong magiging anxious pero I cannot pinpoint the exact reason. It’s this feeling of being overwhelmed with everything.  But each day, I try to cope.

How did Monina do her own coping? 

She said that being singleD had all these effects on her: emotional pains, declining work performance, self-neglect, dwindling funds, being psychosomatic, wallowing in self-pity, etc.

(Napakarami, pero ako na po ang magpapatotoo na lahat ‘yan ay dinaanan ko rin at dinadaanan pa rin minsan.) 

Pero like me, I know Monina has always been a fighter. According to her, she coped by “Praying for healing, answers and strength, talking to my support circle,  seeking help from significant people in my life, crying until my tear ducts dried, counselling with professionals for myself and children.”

Because she knew that her two young children were
 totally dependent on her, Monina had to work on her
self love and care so she won't run on empty.

And because she neglected herself for so many years, she started having ME time and making sure to just “breathe." Now her self-care includes visits to the salon, retail therapy, driving to the beach and mountains, regular exercise and meditation.

I have always known Monina to be a strong person who
 faces up to challenges.  Look at her now, still standing by the grace of God.

Monina is now a banker and a volunteer campaigner for financial literacy (educating one family at a time with basic financial concepts). And of course, not to forget, in her own words: “Still standing by the grace of God.”

Dee is another good friend who is also a singleD mom, whom I have known for around ten years.  She has three children.  She coped with her situation because of her strong faith in God, positive mental attitude, hardwork, and above all, “having LOTS and LOTS of love for her children."

Always a fun time to be with my good friend Dee
who, like me, has made that tough decision to take
responsibility of raising her kids alone.

She adds, “No regrets at all on being a single parent. It was a choice I made and took all the responsibility to raise them well, provide their basic needs and guide them to be God-fearing and to be good individuals. 

"I enjoyed raising them alone as I know God is with me every single moment of our lives.”

Dee, with her kids: from left to right, Trianne,
Dane, and Andre'.

When she became singleD, Dee also engaged in activities to make herself feel good.  Top among these was playing badminton. Then up to now, she loves going to beaches and having “staycation” with her kids.

Dee loves spending time with her children,
even if it's just a simple staycation.

Dee currently works for a multinational company and is based in Sta. Rosa Laguna.

Aileen was among the first batch of students I had. She was singleD at the young age of 28 when her daughter was only 6 years old.  When I asked her if I can share a part of her life story in my blog, she was hesitant because it happened a long time ago. However, she was quick to answer:  “Alam mo, darating talaga sa point na wala ka nang mararamdaman na kahit ano. Ang dami ko na kasing pinagdaanan after nung break-up. Parang part na lang s’ya ng pagdadalaga ko!” 

As a young singleD mom, she said that she became “losyang." She recalled that after she got married, she stayed home, took care of their kid, and gained unnecessary weight. Napabayaan n’ya ang sarili niya.

She coped by going back to work and making sure na siya ay makapagbalik-alindog!

Aileen was only 28 years old when she became singleD. 

But life went on and kailangan daw niya kumayod dahil she was not comfortable just depending on her parents for support. She recalled how her daughter at one time, wanted Jollibee pero di n’ya mabili kasi nagtitipid s’ya. 

“I went back to work, kayod kayod lang kasi walang pera umaasa lang sa abot abot ng parents. May mga times pa nga na gusto ng Jollibee ni Alyanna hindi ko maibili kasi nagtitipid ako, nakakahiyang umasa sa magulang and ayoko marinig ang mga salitang 'Yan kasi nag asawa ka nang maaga!'”

Again, relate much po ako rito, ‘yun lang magkaiba kami ng brand, sa akin McDonald’s.  One time, I just found myself staring at the ceiling and saying “Shit, wala akong pambili ng McDo!”

But look at Aileen now! I am proud to say that just like Monina and Dee, she has turned her life around to become a successful businesswoman.

Aileen, with her only daughter Alyanna,
 is now a very successful businesswoman. 

She now owns “Cakes By Alyanna." She put up this business in 2012, after ten years of working in a bank.  Now, eight years after, she has an average order of 25 cakes per day, but could go as high as 50 cakes on special occasions. And let me not forget to mention that she did not take up baking lessons formally. Everything she knows now is a product of self-study and hard work.  I am so proud of my student!  Way to go Aileen!   

   

Aileen gave us these words of wisdom: “Don't be scared or feel lost. Sa una kasi takot na takot ako, not knowing what lies ahead, akala ko hindi ko kayang palakihin ang anak ko. Financially, I worry--paano ang tuition? Paano na kami? But then if you begin to focus on what you can do to survive, everything will just fall into place.

"There will always be rough roads along the way, just continue with your journey, samahan ng dasal, pananalig sa Diyos at hindi mo na mamalayan na kinaya mo pala. You will come out better, and stronger.

"Dadating ang time, you will look back at wala na ang kahit na anong sakit kundi puro pasasalamat na lang kay Lord for you turned out victorious amidst it all.”

Look at her now: Aileen has moved on and came out
victorious, better and stronger. 

Monina left us this advice: "Know who you really are and what you value. Love yourself and keep your peace. You cannot run on empty if you simply keep on giving and leave nothing for yourself."

(Parang malalim, English kasi taga-Canada! Pero simply put, mahalin mo ang sarili mo at huwag mo hayaang maubos ka. Kasi pag naubos ka, lagot!)

Monina reminds us all to "seek God and His
wisdom in all that we do. God will take care
of you and all your needs." 

Dee also believes that becoming a singleD mom has taught her that no matter how big the trials she was facing, everything will eventually fall into place. God always has a plan for us and our children. 

According to her, when the situation happens to you, “Go through the standard decision-making process, observe the situation carefully, orient yourself with the reality, finalize your decision, then act on it.”

Kaya, mga Nan-sis, do not lose your hope if you are going through what these singleD ladies and I have gone through.  YOU can still turn your life around and be happy and at peace with your world.

Ako ang advice ko, mga Nan-sis, never blame yourself for what happened to you.  Sometimes, it is just so hard to understand why, at ang pinakamadaling isipin or ipaisip sa atin ng ating mga asawa ay kasalanan natin. But what we need to remember is, it takes two to tango. Both of you may have had shortcomings that's why the marriage or relationship failed.

If you are currently in the situation where naglalaban pa ang loob mo sa paghihiwalay ninyong mag-asawa pero it seems na di na maaayos for some reasons, get down on your knees and pray hard. The hardest prayer you can ever pray! I did this for months, literal na nakaluhod sa sahig for God to please save my marriage. 

Like Aileen, Dee, and Monina, I would like to
think that I have also been able to turn my life around.
.

S’yempre, I will still advice na hanggang maaayos, ayusin. But like I said, what I also learned is that it has to take two committed people in that marriage to SAY so and to DO so.  Yes, let’s fix it. Yes, I will stay and let’s work it out.

But after months of waiting for an answer and God said NO to me, I made that decision to win and to not get defeated by the trial. And I do hope that when people look at me now, they can also say, nalagpasan ko. And I AM turning my life around.  With a little help from my friends... and LOTS from God up there.

So, until then mga Nan-sis.  Catch you later!

Nancy Mommy