13 Reasons Why (I Became SingleD)

By Nancy D. Galang, M.A.

"To look ahead, one must learn to look back." - Henry Dreyfuss

Kung minsan, kapag nagmumuni-muni ako sa veranda or sa gabi when all is quiet at nakahiga na 'ko bago matulog, tinatanong ko ang sarili ko, bakit nga ba ako naging SingleD? 

While it was happening and unfolding right before my eyes, I, of course,  did not have time to answer this question. In that situation, para kang na-Ondoy, sunod ka lang sa malakas na agos ng bagyo at baha. Labanan mo man, mahirap dahil sobrang lakas ng force of nature! And there’s nothing you can do but to just try to keep your head above the water and stand strong amidst the big waves.

But now that I think I am coming to terms with it, it is also good to look back and try to find out why it happened, why our once intertwined lives have become untangled? Bakit nga ba? 

1) We were different on how we tried to solve problems.    

Hindi ko itatanggi, malaking factor ang pagkakaiba namin sa approach on how to solve problems. Ako, mabilis mag-isip, then kilos agad. While he took his time thinking. Hanggang sa ako naman, naiinip na at ako na ang aaksyon. 

Maybe it was wrong somehow, because tayong mga Pilipino, we have a patriarchal society, where most of us still believe and practice that men should be the major decision makers. Pero ako ang belief ko, better if the husband and wife will talk and agree on one decision.

In my case lang naman, a lot of things can and will happen if decisions are not made right away. Maybe in this aspect, I was too quick and too fast to act on matters. And yes, umabot sa point na hindi na ako nagko-consult.

So I guess, mga Nan-sis (Nanay-sisters), it is still better na laging pinag-uusapan ang major decisions ng mag-asawa and agree on it. If not, p'wede mag-compromise.

2. We did not have the same goals for the family.      

Perhaps I was the more ambitious one. I had dreams for us and for our children. I had a time frame for each goal. 

Looking at it now, wala naman masama. I just failed to ask if he wanted the same things that I wanted. He was very simple to a fault. Madaling makuntento, perhaps? While I always wanted more and would do everything to get what I want for me and my kids.

Maybe what I wanted for me and my children
was not the same thing that he wanted.

Siguro kung may pagkakataon, it is best for couples planning to get married to also discuss these things. Kadalasan kasi, pag in-love ka, puro puso, di ba? Hindi na natin naiisip ang mga bagay na dapat talagang upuan at pag-usapan nang masinsinan.

3. He was idealistic, while I was realistic.   

I was more practical with my approach to problems, while he was bound by his principles in life even if it was not applicable and perhaps not the most practical solution to our problems.

Again, compromise on how to approach and solve problems is important. Also, I think that it is OK to bend your principles sometimes if necessary. 

4. Different Family Values                       

Fourth, we obviously had different family values. My parents brought me up putting very high value on education. I grew up in a family where finishing one's education was top priority before you can do anything else in your life. While in his family, the approach perhaps was more practical, they were more business-minded people who took opportunities as they were presented to them.

Since getting a College degree was instilled in me
as important,  I went further to get my Master's
 degree at University of the Philippines, Diliman.

As such, my ex-husband did not see the need to get a diploma (he was just short of his ROTC) because he worked for the longest time in their family business.

This cascaded to our own family life I think. Mas-natataranta ako pagdating sa paghahanap ng tuition fees ng mga bata. Mas nagwo-worry na whenever we would find ourselves not having cash for it or even just a little short of the amount needed, I would really lose sleep over it! While he, would tell me, "it is not the end of the world." 

Kaya, mga Nan-sis, it is important na habang mag-GF at BF pa lang, inoobserbahan din natin ang kultura ng pamilya ng taong mahal natin at sa tingin nating gusto na natin makasama habang buhay. You have to have similar values, if not the same values which you would later agree to instill in your own children. Hindi pa huli ang lahat, p'wede pa natin 'yan ituro sa ating mga anak. 

I have taught my children as well to realize the value 
of education.  Above: My eldest Nix graduated 
 with a Degree in Communication  Arts from Miriam College. 

5. I would go all out to support my children, while he was the type who can quickly say no.

Si ex-husband was the kind of father na kapag wala - wala. Ako naman, Gagawin ko po lahat so my kids don't miss out on opportunities.  An example of this is the journey of our daughter Nadja, who, at that time, was a member of their dance troupe in school.  She was given the once in a lifetime opportunity to compete abroad. Since we could not afford all the expenses to make it possible, I started a solicitation campaign for her to be able to join.  

My ex naman also helped with this. But in the next years more international competitions and trainings came and he finally told me Nadja has to stop and that we cannot afford to support her with her dancing anymore.  Isa po ‘yan sa pinag-awayan namin kasi hindi ko ma-gets kung bakit. Bakit hindi namin pagtrabahuhan para maging posible?

Flight 20 was a concert which was organized by the 
parents and helped us raise funds to cover for the board 
and lodging of our kids in the U.S.I directed the show and I 
had my students in TV Production as volunteer crew.

Five years after, pagkatapos naming magkahiwalay at itinuloy ko lang ang all out support ko kay Nadja, she is now an accomplished dance coach being commissioned by dance training studios.  So I have no regrets at all. I always feel as accomplished as she is every single time a new feather is added on her cap. 

Nadja, with the rest of the team brought home the
 gold from the Hip Hop Competition held in Orlando, 
Florida in 2015. She was among the 24 girls chosen to represent the Philippines.

Five years after, Nadja is now a professional dance coach.

6. Lack of or no communication at all. 
                      

Sixth, it came to a point when we stopped communicating about how we felt about things. I guess I had fears that I would be rejected if I opened up kaya nasanay ako to just keep quiet. Alam ko na kasi na mauuwi sa argument dahil magkaiba na nga kami.  Until we grew apart emotionally.

So, mga Nan-sis, ano ang lesson dito? Do not stop communicating, kahit pa mag-away kayo. Kung anong means ang effective sa inyo, like letter writing, texting, e-mail. Pero mas-effective pa rin lagi ang magkaharap kasi iba rin ang revelations ng non-verbal communication through facial expressions at body language.

7. Not being on the same level of commitment. 

I was the type who would do everything for our family. That’s why I did everything up to the point of begging him to stay kasi gusto ko buo kami. While s'ya ay may hangganan. He told me, marriage daw is only a piece of paper. 

Bakit ba hindi ko 'yan naitanong sa kanya nung nanliligaw pa lang s'ya?  Importante pala na pinag-uusapan ang views n'yo about marriage bago kayo magpakasal. 

Natutuhan ko na malalim ang salitang "commitment." Mahirap tuparin at panindigan. Sabi ng matatanda, "Ang pag-aasawa, hindi katulad ng mainit na kanin na kapag isinubo mo at napaso ka ay puwede mo iluwa."  

So true pero bakit marami pa rin ang pinipili na iluwa? Kasi nga mahirap tuparin ang pangako na mamahalin mo ang isang tao nang tipong "till death do us part" kind our love.  

I learned that we had a different meaning for the word commitment. To me, commitment means being loyal not only to each other, but also
to your children. 

8. Major trials can disclose a lot about your spouse that you did not see in him/her before.  

Perhaps akala namin, after all these years, we knew each other well. Hindi pala. Kapag pala nasubukan ang pagsasama n'yo nang sunod-sunod na problema, that's when makikilala n'yo nang lubusan ang isa't isa. 

That's when you will see how he handles problems. At ikaw rin, doon mo rin makikilala at masusubukan ang sarili mo. 

Sadly, I guess we found out na talagang magkaiba kami. Hindi magkapareho ang wavelength namin, ang pisi namin at ang hangganan namin. 

Sometimes you think you already know each 
other well after being  together for so many 
years.  Wait unitl a major trial comes. 

Kaya nung nangyari sa akin, talagang nagulat ako. P'wede pala 'yun ano? 22 years mong kasama, 5 years mong kaibigan, more than 3 years mong "jowa!" Tapos may revelation pa pala na hindi mo akalain na makikita mo sa kanya.  Kaya't super importante na talagang kilalanin ang isa't isa. 

9. I think I am an Alpha female and he had a problem dealing with this side of me.

An Alpha female is described as a woman who knows what they want and are unafraid to advocate for themselves to achieve it. Furthermore, “she is strong and confident, and a hard worker as well as often busy. She is usually sarcastic because she's powerful and playful. Alpha females are intelligent, intellectual problem solvers; and though being an alpha female is more of a state of mind than a physicality, an alpha understands that dressing up increases her power in society, so she does it. Alpha Females are often terribly misunderstood by Beta and lesser males.” (Dictionary.com and Urban Dictionary)

I have always known what I wanted and up to now I try to 
reach all my goals.  When our family went through a series of 
crises, the Alpha female in me stepped up and perhaps he couldn't cope with that.

Hindi ko talaga yata kaya na maging totally submissive wife because I was taught by my alma mater and my dad to be empowered.  I guess he was a conservative husband na gusto s'ya ang "padre de pamilya." 

Pero s'yempre, para maging ganon, kailangan "pader de pamilya" nga s'ya. Kung nakita ko naman na p'wedeng maasahan at masandalan, di naman need ilabas lahat ng powers ko. Ganoon naman ang paniniwala ko sa partnership, kung sino blessed to earn, let her or him be the one. 

Wala naman yata pong mali for stepping up when the family is in crisis. 

10. The presence and involvement of other people while we were having problems.

Next reason was probably may pumasok na ibang tao sa eksena. May problema na nga kayo, may nanghimasok pa. Kaya naging mas madali ang hiwalayan kasi may pupuntahang iba. Instead of the two of us lang solving our problems, may gusto maki-share, 'ika nga, a "shoulder to cry on." 

Later on, ang shoulder, all body parts na! Kaya sana, kapag may problema ang mag-asawa, sila na muna ang mag-usap. Sila ang mag-solve. Alisin sa bokabularyo ang "shoulder to cry on" at ang salitang "hiwalay". 

11.  We had different ways of showing love to our children.

I wll never be able to find an answer nor be able to 
understand how a father can leave his chidlren and not see them for years. 

Isang malaking tanong na hindi ko yata kaya sagutin. How can a father leave his children and not see them for years? Since the kids were born, hindi ko na kaya mawalay sa kanila. The first time I was ever away from them nang matagal was last year lang when I went to the U.S. for a long-planned and much-needed break.  Sa akin lang, perhaps one thing I will never understand is paano natiis na hindi niya makita nang ilang taon. I would still like to think na mayroon at mayroon pa din siyang reasons.

Taking a break is something I do not do very often
since I am not used to being away from my 
children for long time. Above: My trip to the U.S last year was  long overdue.

12.  God was not at the center of our relationship.

This sounds cliché at lagi na lang itong sinasabi. But it is the most important and a practice that could really help couples.  

Praying together helps.  And in fact, might save your relationship. In our case, we did not have a couple prayer time ever since.

13. Not enough love to sustain our marriage. 

And finally, the 13th reason I can think of is perhaps we just simply didn't love each other that much. Kasi ganun lang naman kasimple 'yun.  Kung mahal ka, di ka iiwanan, di ka sasaktan, di ka ipagpapalit --- kahit pa gabundok ang problema n'yo o may pagkakamali ka man. Kasi p'wede naman magpatawad. At piliin na ayusin. 

Mga Nan-sis, hindi ko sinasabi na never nagkaroon ng love ah. Of course, me and my ex had very happy times and we loved each other so much. Ang sinasabi ko lang, nung nasubukan, doon lumabas na hindi pala enough to weather all storms! 

Pero hindi mo naman talaga yan malalaman until you are both in that situation. So I don't know what I can advice para iwasan ito. If there is enough and genuine love, I guess it will see you through. 

So ayan lang po. I just wanted to share this. Lahat ng nangyari ay nangyari ng may dahilan. Maaaring may ginawa tayo o hindi ginawa for it to work. But we can only learn. No regrets. 

I think now I can say that I am thankful to my ex for making me the person that I am now. Slowly, I am beginning to understand the role he played in my life. 

Until then! Catch you later!

Nancy Mommy