Letting Go of Loss...But Never Love

By Nancy D. Galang, M.A.

"Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch." - Jack Thorne

How does one deal with the pain of losing someone? I have no answer as I deal with this staggering feeling right now.

The G Skwad recently lost our Baby Bella, the newest addition to our family, a female St. Bernard given to us as a gift by my student Shiina for Mother’s Day and, if I may say, for her long time friendship with my daughter Nix. 

The G Skwad (Galang Squad) complete with our three babies: Milo, Beyonce, and Bella.

Bella was barely 5 months old. Ang sakit pala. And this reminds me of a painful experience I had way back 2007.  Ngayon ko lang ulit naramdaman ‘yung ganitong klaseng pain sa tanang buhay ko. ‘Yung feeling na gusto mo ngumalngal (if this is a better word to describe 'yung parang sasabog ang dibdib mo). 

Gusto mo s’ya ibalik. P’wede ba mag-negotiate kay God na ‘ibalik na lang? Na ‘wag na lang s’ya kunin? Not at this time.  Not yet. Can we please, please, please have more time with her?

I was the one who picked her up, the first one among the G Skwad to carry her and bring her inside our home. I guess for that alone, our bond was automatic. 

For almost 5 months, she was a part of my constants each day I woke up to an uncertain future here on earth.  Having Bella, gave me more security somehow. That feeling na masaya ang buong G Skwad kahit may pandemya at di nakakalabas ng bahay, because we have her. 

We will always remember Bella this way: "Tisay" and classy.

And now there is a void that cannot be filled up by anything or anybody.  Mas masakit pa sa iniwan ka ng ex mo. Hindi ko nga mawari kung bakit, but it’s true.

Siguro kasi si Bella was solely dependent on us. And we tried our best to take care of her, took her to the vet to have her regular vaccines to protect her. And yet, we lost her.

One of our visits to the Vet. We will forever wonder what went wrong. 

We tried our best to save her. Spent as much as we can so that she can be given the treatment that she needed.  Pero saan kami nagkamali?

I guess this is what makes the whole thing painful. That part where you blame yourself for what happened. And you keep trying to think saan ka nagkulang? Ano'ng nagawa mo or hindi mo nagawa? 

Pero kahit naman masagot mo, hindi mo na mababalik ang dati. And this is LOSS. 

Lahat tayo at one point in our lives have experienced loss.  Maaaring hindi tao, puwedeng trabaho, relationships, o mga bagay na importante sa atin dahil pinaghirapan natin. 

Anumang klase, lahat same-same lang, pare-parehong masakit, bagaman hindi pareho ang level of pain. Kadalasan, ang pinakamasakit, kapag tao ang nawala o isang pet na gaya nga ni Bella.

Bella's presence gave us more love, happiness and
security in the G Skwad household. 

Looking back, marami na rin pala ang nawala sa akin. There were several times in my life that I have experienced the pain of loss.

Alam na alam n’yo na naman ang istorya ng lovelife ko. So hindi na ako magde-dwell diyan. I think that in my past blogs, I have vividly described my pain when it comes to my loss sa marriage ko.

But what most of you don’t know is that I once lost a child (ito yung painful experience na nabanggit ko which happened way back 2007). He was supposedly the fifth member of the G Skwad.  Yes, a baby boy and seven years apart from my youngest Rocky. If he were alive today, he would have been thirteen years old last May. 

I carried Robbie (we named him Robert Michael Angelo) for five months in my tummy.  My entire pregnancy before then was all good and normal, ok ako at wala akong nararamdamang masama.  I even shopped for new maternity clothes because at that point, lumalaki na ang tiyan ko.  

Carrying my bunso, Baby Robbie, who would
have been 13 years old this year.

Pero nung fifth month, naturally we wanted to know the gender of our baby, so during the regular monthly check up, we decided to get an ultrasound. Kaso, ang good news that I was looking forward to became one of my worst nightmares.

The sonologist started to ask me questions that freaked me out and led me to think that something was very wrong.  ‘Yung tipong:

“Wala kang nararamdaman?”

“Walang masakit?” 

"Hindi ka nagbi-bleeding?”

Eh naman, nainis na po ako and I just blurted out, “Ano ba? May problem ba?”

When you are in that situation, talagang maiinis ka, kasi ang tagal, imbes na nagagawan na ng paraan kung may problema, ang dami pang paligoy-ligoy. Finally, sinabi din naman sa akin na wala ng hearbeat. And that the rest ay OB ko na ang magsasabi. My reaction: Isang matinding hagulgol. This can't be happening. 

Pagdating sa OB ko, ito naman ang bungad n’ya: “Di ba may apat ka na namang anak? Pasalamat na din tayo nakaapat ka na.”

Pero may mali. Teka, when you lost someone, hindi mo naman p’wede sabihin na mapapalitan s’ya or mapupunuan ng sinuman. Yes. I have four other wonderful children, pero, iba si Robbie. He was another baby.

Ganyan din kay Bella. Right now, Nix’s boyfriend, Ian, got her a new puppy, a Golden Retriever.  Pero saan at paano ko man tignan, she cannot replace Bella. We will love her as much, but she won’t ever take the place of Bella.  

Our latest addition to the G Skwad.  A female Golden
Retriever. Any name suggestions?  

Hindi ba ang tindi? Kasi ang ex parang mas madali palitan.  So many of us remarry and become happy again, and the void that was once there can easily be filled up by another person.  

I’ve seen so many of my friends, and even some of my siblings, become genuinely happy again after their separation.

Right after we made arrangements for Bella's
cremation, we went to Tiendesitas pet shops,
hoping we would all feel a little better. 

When I lost my fifth child, it was as if I was going to lose my mind. And even if my doctor already told me he was dead, I negotiated with God and begged Him to please not give me that trial. Alam ko at that time, hindi ko kakayanin.  

But I’ve had many losses after that. And I am still here.  Yes, I experienced the loss of my marriage, my husband, my job, my house, and I think everything else that I owned.  I have experienced the loss of my greatest love and the grieving has never stopped to this day.

And now I go back to my question: how do I deal with it?  Sabi nila you will never really move on from the pain of losing someone, but you will get used to the feeling of missing his/her presence. 

And yes, sometimes it haunts you when you experience major setbacks in life at s’ya ang hinahanap-hanap mo to be by your side. P’wedeng mga magulang natin na pumanaw na at wala na sa piling natin. P’wedeng asawa or partner natin na sumakabilang-buhay (o di kaya’y sumakabilang-BAHAY) na.  Maaari ring simpleng Bella na nakahiga sa sahig, sa couch, naninira ng mga tsinelas at nakikipaglaro sa amin at kay Beyonce (our 2 year-old Shar Pei Chow),  o maski sinong alam mong pag nasa tabi mo lang s’ya, masaya ka na.

 Bella's first day at home. She and Beyonce were instant BFF's (bestfriends).

First time, parang wala akong advise sa inyo, mga Nan-sis (Nanay sisters). Siguro ito na lang: That life here on earth is temporary and there is a heaven where we will all meet again in our glorified bodies. So, if you experienced or are experiencing pain of losing someone, just move forward and LOOK FORWARD.  

"Little by little, we let go of loss...but never of love."
- author unknown

Until then mga Nan-sis.

Catch you later!

Nancy Mommy