SingleD and Dadless

SingleD and Dadless

By Nancy David Galang, M.A.

Atty. Emmanuel "Noli"  Tirona Galang
December 11, 1934- August 8, 2020

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.”– Author unknown

As I write this, it's been exactly three weeks since my dad passed away. It was early morning of August 8, now my least favorite date, or should I say my “hatest” date.  I was getting calls from my sister Neri to contact a doctor. I kept messaging and ringing a friend, but got no replies. The next call I got was from my sister Noemi who said “Pinapapunta na tayo doon." 

I made it around 6:30am - 40 minutes late. At hindi ko na inabutan ang daddy ko. 

Ngayon ko lang nalaman ang real meaning ng salitang "nangungulila." Hinahanap-hanap ko ang daddy ko araw-araw na parang isang batang paslit na naiwan sa gitna ng kalye.

Yes, I want to do things differently kung maibabalik ko lang ang oras.

Gusto ko lang ng kaunti pang time para magawa ko ang mga bagay na hindi ko na nagawa.  'Yung ituloy ko ang plano ko na magpunta sa bahay nila ng mommy the night before he passed. Hindi ako mapakali nung araw na 'yun. Hanggang 10:30pm, naglilinis ako ng bahay and somehow, ayokong umakyat sa kuwarto ko. I regret it so much now that I didn’t go then to be with him.

Sana nagpunta ako, baka may nagawa ako para hindi pa s'ya mawala. Or sana nandun ako sa tabi niya. Sana nayakap ko s'ya for the last time, kasi two weeks ako nag self-quarantine bago s'ya mawala.

At nung dinalaw ko s'ya, iningatan namin s'yang lahat kaya bawal ko s'ya hawakan at yakapin. Hanggang bintana lang ako, and that was the last time I saw my dad alive.  He was weak, could hardly talk, but still, iniintindi n’ya na kumain ako ng lunch doon. 

Mga Nan-sis (nanay sisters), I am not OK.   And I guess this is going to be my “new normal." I now wake up to a different kind of day. Wala na ‘kong daddy.

My new normal: Being SingleD and Dadless.

I wake up sad. I go through the day hoping it will be over soon. I have not been sleeping well since. I would normally go to bed at 10pm and sleep at around 1am, but now I find myself awake up to 4am.  More often than not, I cry myself to sleep.

I was brave and standing strong being a SingleD mom because I knew my dad always had my back. I guess naging OK ako for the past three years because he was there para palakasin ang loob ko. I didn't realize this until he was gone.  

51 years with my dad seemed too short.

Now that he is no longer here, suddenly I feel insecure, weak, and afraid. What seemed to be surmountable everyday challenges now make me feel like giving up.

Yes at 51, para akong isang maliit na bata na gusto magwala at maglupasay hanggang makuha ko ang gusto ko --- ang maibalik ang daddy ko. Kahit sandali lang. Kahit konting araw lang.

Maybe it’s normal to feel this way after losing the only person who has been there to always back you up, encourage you that you are on the right track, and simply make you feel that his presence is more than enough for you to bravely face all your challenges.

I was a late-bloomer and did not have self-confidence until I was in first year college. I was very insecure in grade school and high school. In college, I wanted to run for the student council, but I was so afraid that no one would vote for me – but my dad was my number one fan, and because he was more excited than I was with just the thought of running for the position, it gave me the confidence to do so. And I did win.

I could still remember his face when I told him I had won. What made the difference? His belief in me that I could do it.

Two years after, I was President. There were more endeavours that I entered into because he was there cheering me on.  I came out the confident Nancy that I am, because of my dad.

I know that what I would miss most are my long talks
with my dad. Those are the moments that 
give me validation as a person and the strength to just move forward.

The not-so-often-but-long-and-deep talks with him meant a lot to me. My dad knew my deepest secrets and still turned out to be my kakampi. Lahat ng umaway sa akin, kaaway din n’ya at di na p’wede magpakita sa kanya ulit.

Yes, I want more time with my dad.

I am a self-confessed daddy's girl whom he
spoiled as much as he could.

Sa sitwasyon ko, I was not really able to pay him back for all the good deeds and good things he gave me (kahit alam kong he was not expecting this.) Not even time.  Lalo naman ang ambisyon ko na mailibre sila madalas ng mommy ko.

But I know my dad understands me.  Kasi, s’ya din naman ang nagturo sa akin na “family first." So for as long as I was addressing all the needs of my children, alam ko na happy s’ya. Naiinitindihan naman n’ya ang sitwasyon ko as a SingleD mom na kadalasan, kulang na kulang ang oras ko to attend to all the needs of my children. 

Marami pa akong gustong ibulong sa daddy ko. Isa sa sasabihin ko sa kanya, na mahal na mahal ko s'ya, at magpapasalamat ako sa lahat-lahat. Hindi ko sure kung nakapag-thank you ako sa kanya sa lahat ng mga ginawa n’yang sacrifices para palakihin kaming magkakapatid nang tama at mabigyan kami ng magagandang buhay. 

Dad built the Galang compound because he
wanted all of us to grow up close to each other.

I guess because of my dad, I will never understand how the father of my children was able to leave our kids and not think about whether they are provided for with all that they need. Or just the mere fact that he has not seen nor spent time with them since we got separated. Ngayon, mas nararamdaman ko ang sarili nilang pangungulila sa daddy nila. 

My dad defined the word hardwork for me as a child. This was instilled in me until the day I grew up and ended up na ako lang ang naiwan magtaguyod ng  pamilya ko. He was a real good role model. And to become half of who he was, I think matatawag ko na 'yun na isang achievement. 

I want to tell him that he gave me very good memories as a child when he would bring the whole family to vacations para maligo sa “ilog” sa Cavite, mag-rent ng indoor pool sa Laguna, mag-biking sa Burnham park sa Baguio, at marami pang iba. 

My handsome dad balanced his work and time
with family real well and gave us wonderful
childhood memories.

He gave me my first taste of Pale Pielsen at 6 years old.  He would always ask me to dance the Hawaiian “Pearly Shells” in front of his barkada.  I was always boasted of as his “Honey Baby."

My dad was very generous. Aside from his time, he never failed to always get me dolls from all the places he would come from. I remember he would have trips to Asian countries, so I had dolls of different nationalities.  He would take me and my elder brother Nilo some Sundays to Arcegas department store along Aurora Boulevard to shop for one toy each. I still kept “Marie," that doll we got one of those Sundays. Of course, as we grew up, he gave us more than what we needed. 

Being the eighth among nine children and the
youngest girl, I was my dad's "honey baby".

He was a real family man because he wanted all of us – his children, including his “apos” to be close to each other. This was the reason why he built the Galang compound where he wanted all of us to live. It has been very touching how my siblings and I have become more solid after he passed.

The Galang grandchildren were blessed to have a lolo
(and a lola) who made sure they grew up close to each other.

Losing him has been very painful.  Wala nang haligi ang Galang family. There is some kind of “feeling lost” with his passing. It’s like not having a leader in a team and not knowing how to proceed. 

Yes, I want my dad back. So, so much. 

No one can tell me “he was 85," “he lived a full life," “ok na din." Dahil sa bait at pagmamahal na ibinigay ng daddy ko sa amin, you would really want more.  Gusto mo pa s’yang makasama. Kung puwede nga, habang buhay.

I just want to hug him one more time and get that assurance from him that I will be OK even if I am alone in facing my family battles. I hate the feeling now of being insecure and not having the confidence to say I will be OK.

Yes, I am not OK.  And I guess, mga Nan-sis, for now it is OK not to be OK. 

I know that grieving takes time. And we should all allow ourselves to do so. Losses can happen in many forms. It can be a loved one leaving, it can be losing your job, it can be the death of a pet, and the passing of a person very close to you.

One of my last and longest moments with my dad
was when I managed to go to Lipa to be with him
during the lockdown. 

I am afraid that in the past few years, I have lost a lot that hindi ko na alam kung natapos na ako mag-grieve sa bawat isa. And now another big loss.  I am SingleD and dadless.

For now I wish to take my time, cry as often as I could, if I must.  Talk to my dad every morning and every night. Whisper to him all that I need and wish for Papa Jesus to give me. Ask him to still always guide me, my kids, my mom, and my siblings. 

Your girls will forever miss you, dad!
(Sis Ning not in picture)

Mga Nan-sis, to those of you who still have your parent/s around, uulitin ko ang madalas sabihin ng mga naulila na spend as much time as you can with them. Talk to them – tell them how much you love them. Thank them for all the things they have given you, they have done to you and for you. 

Be present when you’re around them. Hug them. This way, you will have no regrets because you can honestly say you have also given them the best you can and the best part of you.

Until then. Catch you later!

Nancy Mommy