Musings (of a Singled mom) at 4am

By Nancy David Galang

I lie awake at 4am. My mind ever so active. Thinking. Just always thinking. 

Sadness creeps in as it usually does when all my kids are fast and deeply asleep, including Amara, my dear apo who is sleeping like a little angel beside me.

I am just thinking.  Random thoughts just keep coming. 

What could my dad be doing right this moment? 

Does he miss all of us, the way me, my siblings, my mom, and his friends, miss him? I knew he wanted to live for at least 5 more years. What else did he want to do in those five years? 

Did I make my dad proud? 

What would he have said to me for the last time if he had the chance? 

I am sure I would have wanted to tell him "Thank you. I love you. I am nothing without you." Paulit-ulit. Sabay mahigpit na yakap.

Will this feeling of sadness end? Or as my friends who have lost someone close to them have said: "It won't, but you will get used to it." 

Pero, paano ka masasanay sa ganito kasakit na pakiramdam? Tuwing maaalala mo siya, walang pinipiling lugar, at oras - basta tutulo na lang ang luha mo. 

 

Next question. Have I been a good person? What good have I done in this world in my 50 (pero feeling 30 something lang ako) something existence? 

What wrongs have I done that need to be made right? Sana may panahon pa kung sakali man na masagot ko ito.

Ano pa ang puwede ko magawa to make this world a better place? To make people feel a little better? 

How could I be a better singleD parent?

Have I raised my kids well? Being singleD has not been easy. Making major decisions on your own makes you second guess yourself. All the time. 

What if I commit a mistake in guiding my children in their major decisions? 

Why did my marriage end? What was my part in that failure? Could I still have done more to save it? What did I do and did NOT do to hurt the both of us? 

Saan, saan ako nagkamali? Bakit ako ngayo'y sawi? (Guess the song and the singer please)

At this point in my life, where am I to go? What is next? The success that I have in mind still

eludes me. And at my age, fear sets in. So strongly. Can I still make it? Maybe. I really hope so. (Lord, sana all!)

Is there someone out there, still? Is my "ayuda one" already within my reach, yet I am not sensitive and aware of his existence? Nuks. 

I want to be saved. YES, most of the time it feels this way. I want to stop and just let someone save me. (Feeling lang naman po) 

Can I just be still, take a rest and be happy? But then again, what will make me happy? Million dollar(s) (ang saya nito) question.

Hmm. Ano nga ba magpapasaya sa akin? I won't try to answer it in this blog since I decided this will contain only random questions in my mind. 

Kasi sa totoo lang, hindi ko po alam. Lalo na sa panahon at krisis na hinaharap nating lahat ngayon, mahirap ito isipin at sagutin. 

Alam ko, many of us, are simply trying to hold on. One day at a time. 

Being still.

So ang huli kong katanungan, when will this pandemic end? It's been more than a year and looking back to last year's  lockdown which began in March 15, I thought, it would last only a few weeks and then things will be back to normal. Obviously it didn't. And obviously, it is much much worse.

There is a God in all this. 

     

I try to look away, wanting to deny that we are losing people. Yes, people we know. People close to us have had covid 19. I had it. 

Yet it is right in front of us. Yes po! It is REAL.  And then it reminds me big time. There is a God in all of this. 

Faith might answer all my questions. Hang on. Kapit lang.  

It is not easy to be the captain of my ship, especially in the midst of this pandemic. There are days that everything just consumes me. 

Alam ko, di ako nag-iisa na mag-isa ang pakiramdam. Mabuti nga ako, kasama ko mga anak ko. Paano yung literal na mag-isa? Senior. May comorbidity? Pero kailangan lumabas, kumayod para mabuhay?

My constants even at this time of uncertainty.

Tuloy ang buhay. Oo. Kahit ayaw natin ang mga nangyayari and all of us are powerless. 

The only beauty I see in all this is seeing people trying their best to SURVIVE. Trying to look away and distract themselves in order to survive the day. Doing things to keep their minds off this frightening reality. (I had to google a stronger word for scary)

Waking up to this reminded me of the beautiful 
things in life.

Ano ang susunod? Hindi natin alam. Walang may alam. Balik sa faith. All my questions, I believe, will be answered at the right time. Marahil ang iba may sagot na, but I just might be missing it. 

Then just now the Lord gave me an answer: "You are not the captain of your ship. I am."

So hang in there. Everything will be alright.

Kayo mga Nan-sis, what musings, questions, random thoughts and reflections do you have? 

Wala lang, nagtatanong lang. Baka same tayo ng mga iniisip kahit papaano? I hope you can validate what I am thinking and feeling. 

Masakit na ulo ko. I think I am overthinking. Time to get some sleep (and Melatonin). 

One of my many reasons to keep hoping.

Meantime, I will count my blessings...and the sheep so I can fall asleep.

Until then, catch you later!

Nancy Mommy